Giving the writing tool a go

I'm feeling closer to the opposite of serene than I would like to right now. In The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous that recovering from overeating involves finding new and healthier ways to deal with our lack of serenity than food. That's a lovely idea. But right now i don't feel the compulsion to overeat so much as twisted and drowing inside. At least the crazy logic that tells me that this gives me the right (what the?) to eat, isn't kicking in yet. But that's not really helping me right now. Perhaps that's why the 1st step also talks about how our lives in general, not just our weight, has become unmanageable.

So one of the "tools of recovery" that we are supposed to turn to instead of food is writing. We're supposed to write our feelings down. So I'm going to give this writing thing a go and see if it helps me out any. Here goes.

I feel stressed and ashamed and unhappy. I want to avoid life but I can't do that any more. I've been finding since I joined OA I've been losing myself in other things which admittedly aren't food, but which have just as devastating effects on my life. Yesterday I got all carried away with designing this blog, and completely neglected the university work that desperately needs doing...and now I feel guilty and I'm panichking. Gosh I don't know what I"m going to do. I'm going to have to ask my lecturers for extensions but I"m too busy and too ashamed to go and see them. I HAVE to stop getting carried away with things. Then last night I stayed up too late and slept in this morning. And my room was a mess, and I ddin't have enough money to catch my bus, so I raced around the hosue looking for spare change, and becuase I didn't put my wallet straight in my bag I ended up leaving it behind. And I ran into an old school friend who I hadn't seen in six years, and whom I wanted to impress..but instead I had to be humiliated, first by her seeing me with my high school bag. (It was a good bag...why shouldn't I keep it?) and then because I had to empty my bag out on the bus to try and find my wallet, and then call my Dad to meet me with a bus fare. Some people might see that as one of those accidents that happen, but I have neurological issues that interfere with my organisation, and so it happens to me wayyyyy tooo often, and when it does I feel so embarassed, and I wonder whether I will ever be able to live a normal life. Then I went to dancing class, and I could hardly remember any of the steps. I do love dancing, and it's great exercise, but sometiems I do wonder whether it's worth humliation. As well, they want me to perform with them and we'll be wearing fitted clothes so everyone will be able to see how fat I am.

Of course the big thing that threw me off balance was my boyfriend coming back from holidays. Romantic love is not exactly the most serene feeling...and romantic love mixed with anger and hurt feelings is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm with him is because I was desperate for any man to pay some attention to me. He forgot my birthdasy in March this year. I forgave him for it because there was a lot of rough stuff going on in his life at the time. Then at the beginning of this month I sent him an anniversary card for our "anniversary month" (it's difficult to pinpoint the exact date we started going out). At the bottom of the card there was a link that said "send a thankyou e-card to foodfairy". It couldn't have been easier for him to find an opportunity to tell me he loves me and make up for his mistakes. Do you think he did? NO. Nothing. And he keeps shutting me out all the time. He won't even show me his holiday snaps. What kind of a relationship is this? I think he's my biggest obstacle to serenity right now.

Well time to get to work...I don't feel any better yet.