29 May 2007

Pop Pscyhology and Abstinence

I think our disease is very much psychological. As the Brown Book puts it, it is a "disease of mind" as well as a disease of body and spirit.But everyone knows that. Pop psychology and calorie counting are the two big "tools" of the conventional diet. Today I began thinking about how I have set myself up to associate positive things with food. I plan my breaks from study and work around meals and, consequently, today, when I found myself struggling with my study and I began to fantasize and obsess over the small tub of yoghurt I was going to allow myself to eat in my next break. This then led me to think how all this study deserved more than just one little tub of yoghurt and, that it wouldn't hurt to have a couple , maybe something a bit "naughty" as well...you guys get the picture.

Now, in my education course, I've been learning about "behaviourist psychology". Basically this is the idea of learning through association and reinforcement. So, the more times we experience X and something positive together, the more we will associate X with positive things and thus react positively to X, and vice versa. It's sound theory and it's used by teachers the world over. So I decided then and there that I would exercise in my break and eat my yoghurt at the computer after I finished my break. That worked fairly well today, so I think there is some merit in using psychology to help ourselves. I am particularly interested in Sociocultural psychology, which talks about how we use the mental and emotional tools provided to us by the people around us.

But I also realised that one of the other common diet recommendations is not to eat whilst doing something else. So in a way it's a vicious cycle. That's why the simple fixes are doomed to failure, because they will soon stop working, and then we will be in a worse situation than before and have to try some marvelous new idea.

When I think about it, is the problem that I associate food with the positive experience of having a break, or is the problem that I have an unhealthy attitude to life that makes breaks such a powerful incentive for me?. The rest of the world plan's their lives breaks around meals without any trouble, so it certainly isn't that. It must be the deeper problem: that I cannot live in the present, that I cannot enjoy my work, that I cannot enjoy life. Admittedly the inability to live in the present probably has something to do with my ADHD and thus my inability to focus on the task at hand, but I think it goes deeper than that. Psychology is important but it's not the only answer.

Ok so I was writing this stuff coz I was "hungry" (read obsessing about eating) so if it doesnt' make sense who cares.

28 May 2007

Scales don't make a good Higher Power

A few weeks ago my sponsor told me that she only weighs herself once a month or when she visits the doctor. Up until that point I didn't realise how important the scales had been in my dieting, but the idea of weighing myself only once a month sounded to me like jumping off a cliff and hoping there was a trampoline at the bottom. I don't weigh myself when I'm bingeing, but if I'm dieting then I weigh every day. I associate the scales with good dieting. I agreed to only weigh myself once a week, since that's what all the diet magazines recommend, but so far I haven't even managed to make it seven days.

When I did go a couple of days without weighing in I found out just how much of a trigger it is. As soon as I jump on the scales my thoughts are either a) I haven't lost enough with all this hard work, might as well binge b)I've lost heaps! now I can binge!!!. My pattern was always to binge after weigh day.

This week I weighed in on Saturday to only lose 300g. I was so disappointed! I wrote to my sponsor and she once again urged me to do the once a month thing. So I've decided to give it a go. I weighed in yesterday and I was down to 86.5kg (190.5lb) That's a weight loss of 1.5kg! Just goes to show how stupid the scales can be! So, as you may notice, I've changed the stats on my blog....

...And this is where they'll stay (if God gives me grace) until the 27th of June. I'm going to try not to weigh myself for a whole month.

The thing is I've been treating the scales like a Higher Power. It is their will and approval I am seeking when I diet, and I rely on their affirmation to validate me, and their support to motivate me. But the scales are just a replacement for my obsession with food. They are also just another way of measuring myself. I have a lot of "measuring" Higher Powers in my life. My marks, my friends, my scales. How about some enabling ones?


Warning: Bible quote
"It is God who works in you to will and to work his good purpose" Philippians 2:13

Alright God...i'm giving you a go.

27 May 2007

Does anyone know what day it is?

Yes that's right! it's weigh day! and i payed the price for yesterday. only 300g loss (a bit over half a pound). I neeeeeeeeed to lose weight faster than this. I am SICK of being fat. All I want is to be skinny like the pretty little girls in Dance Club. I also want to be free from food obsession. Neither of those things happened for me today. I desperately wanted to eat all day. (I didn't overeat but that's not the point...I've been reading in the Brown Book all about food obsession. How what really comes after us is the day in and day out obsession with food....I know that and I want to be free of it.)

25 May 2007

A bad zero

Well so much for my victory last night:( This morning I had 10 of those evil weetbix I wrote about before, and then the day hasn't gotten much better. I went to the uni bar tonight and bought a serve of pasta and a banana bread on top of the salad I already had to tide me over. It's not tooo bad i suppose, but it's still definitely beyond normal eating. Anyway I feel bad at the moment and I can't get into the meetings because the server at uni doesn't support those kind of things. I think this is a fairly negative blog because I always write here when I feel bad. But I guess people need to see that.
Weetbix, Pizza and Subway
Ok so not only did I have 10 weetbix, but I also had my normal porridge as well. Whoa that's insane. I really know what they mean about insane obsessive compulsive eating. It was so much like the compulsion to do other irrational things, just that constant nagging to binge. I just couldn't shake it. I got rid of it with the Pizza last night but it came back. The GOOD news (yes there is some) is that I have now thrown all my weetbix in the bin. My sponsor told me to get rid of them but I wasn't sure how that would go down with the people I live with. But it's done now. Ahhhh will I ever have abstinence? Why can't I do a simple thing like going without binging for more than 4 days?
Ok so here are the nutrition facts on Pizza, Weetbix and subway:
1. One slice of average Pizza Hut average-crust pizza:
*830kj or 200cal
*3 grams fat
*25grams carbohydrate

2. 1 subway 6 inch club sandwich:
* 1210kj or 290 cal

*5.4g fat
*41g carbohydrate

3. 2 weetbix (not including milk)
*492kj/120cal
*0.5g fat
*22g carbohydrate

4. 1 cup of skim milk
*360 kj or 86 cal
*0.4g fat
*11.9g carbohydrate

So...
1 subway 6 inch= 1.5 slices of Pizza (way to go me)
10 weetbix with milk= 6.5 slices of Pizza in terms of calories, and less than 2 in terms of fat

Weetbix seem like the stupidest food to binge on in history. But somebody said that with trigger foods you need to look at the ingredients rather than the foods themselves. When I think of it that way I can see that a bowl of weetbix contains lots and lots of my two favourite things: carbohydrate and dairy foods. But I don't know what that means in terms of eliminating triggers. Quite clearly I can't eliminate all carbohydrates and dairy foods. That would be unhealthy.

Other stuff
More good news is that I haven't had chocolate, another big trigger food for a while and I haven't had ice cream for a week or two.

I am also gradually learning to be powerless. The fact is that, as a younger compulsive eater, I like to think I can do it myself and it's easy to convince myself it's true. Sure I've tried diets etc on my own and they haven't worked. In fact nothing has worked for years. But I just don't have those extra 20 years of experience that other compulsive eaters have to draw on when they start to get cocky.

Pizza count: ZERO!

Yes that's right. I had NOOOOOOOO pizza tonight!!!! I went to subway before the party and i bought a 6-inch sub club and i ate it when everyone else was eating Pizza. The problem was that the unfinished Pizzas sat in their boxes on the counter for most of the night so it wasn't a case of refusing once. It was a case of refusing every few minutes for 3 hours. But praying did give me a real sense of peace. i was really anxious about it before. I just had no self confidence...and that leads to bingeing. But when I was able to trust God it really did help. I felt like I didn't have to give in because it was possible to get through this. And I did. whooo hooo

24 May 2007

What a day!

Right now 'm nervous and hungry because I am going to a dance club party and they will have FREE PIZZA. I feel a real compulsion to overeat. I am taking the following steps:
1. I am posting on my blog about it
2. I am going ot buy something to eat before i get there...perhaps something from subway
3. I am not going to ahve even one slice of Pizza. I'm not sure that Pizza is a major trigger food for me, but I know that this situaiton is a major trigger for me
4. I've gone online to chat with someone
5. I am going to pray. This will be a big step forward for me, because it will mean I am finally turnign to a HP, which is something I haven't been willing to do so far. Well I am going to hope so.

I have always justified my overeating in financial terms. For example, I always used to buy a whole family-sized block of chocolate instead of a single bar because it was just so much better value for money to pay $3 for 500g than to pay $2 for a hundred grams. But if food is being offered for free, as it usually is at parties, where it is acceptable to eat larger amouts for pleasure, I feel a serious compulsion to binge which I can rarely resist. This is exacerbated by the fact taht I am feeling arrogant at the moment because I lost 12 kg, and sad as well because I embarssed myself publicly today. I think it is a cross between feeling like I have a right to binge and a responsibility to...because hey, free food doesn't come along eveyr day. For some reason it never occurs to me that by feeding my disease I was eventually going to cost myself even more money. And it doesn't occur to me that it's my responsibiltiy not to deplete the communal pool. It's

By the way, . Today I went to Dance Club and performed in front of heaps of people at the uni bar! Yesterday I had rehearsal and I danced for 4 1/2 hours (including very long warm up/down sessions) I haven't performed dancing in public since I was a little girl going through my ballet phase (that ended about the age of 8 or 9)

21 May 2007

Gotta keep it real!

Ok I'm not even sure what that means. It's something Americans say on television when they are trying to be cool. I'll have to find out. I'm writing this as I've just spent half an hour choosing pictures for this blog instead of doing an overdue assignment. Is that wierd or what? Now I'm upset and freaked out. They say you should use the OA program to replace your need for food, but I'm not sure if this is exaclty what they meant. It's true I do usually eat to avoid scary and distressing realities, or just to procrastinate, and this is a healthier way to do that. The problem is that none of those activities were healthy to start with. I guess that's why they say getting to the root of the disease is sometimes more important than physical recovery. This sort of behaviour costs me just as dearly as overeating does in many ways. Ok new rule: have to stay on task for at least one hour at a time. NO EXCEPTIONS!

Forty Reasons to Fight for Freedom

Today I started answering the "Thirty Questions" on The Recovery Group website that are supposed to take you through steps one to three.
Question 1 a was:
Why do you need to stop overeating in your life right now?
I sat down to answer it and BOY was it an eye opener! They have example answers on the website and the answer to this first one was a paragraph. My answer was about 2 pages!!!! Anyway I'm going to blog a version of my answers in the form of a 40 reason list, so I can review it easily, and because other people might identify. I'm also interested in comments. I am well aware that some of these reasons are the "wrong reasons" but I'm just being honest about my motivations. I've organised them according to type of reason, but of course the types overlap:

Health reasons:
1. Both being overweight and bingeing severely exacerbate my gastric reflux
2. I didn't have sleep apnoea until I became obese and it robs me of my sleep, my money (to pay for my sleep machine) and dignity and convenience
3. I was born with a tendency towards generalised poor muscle tone. Being overweight and not exercising make this worse. It results in severe back pain, neck pain (and resulting migraines) and poor posture
4. I don't give my body proper nutrition when I am eating compulsively, instead I put junk into it that may actually harm it, and most likely exacerbates my tendencies to become moody, impulsive and hyperactive
5. My mental health is already precarious due to tendencies towards anxiety, depression and obsessive behaviour. When I am overeating I am only giving in to these tendencies and making them worse, instead of learning to channel them in productive ways.
6. Being overweight and unfit lowers my immune system
7. Being overweight and unfit puts me at greater risk of heart disease, diabetes and cancer
8. Being overweight and unfit reduces my energy levels

Cosmetic reasons:
9. I hate having a double chin
10. I hate having huge big flab hanging down from my arms
11.I hate having a pot belly
12. I hate having no bum to speak of, just massive thighs the size of pillars in a Greek temple
13. I hate having stretch marks all over my body when I'm just 22 and never been pregnant
14. When I am eating right my acne clears up
15. I still believe at times that when I lose weight I will be pretty
16. I want to enjoy being young and pretty
17. I want to get attention and affirmation from other people, especially boys, and to have them tell me I'm pretty
18. I want to be able to buy pretty clothes
Moral reasons:
19. Overeating is an act of greed and selfishness and on that basis alone it is wrong
20. When I overeat I harm the body that God has given me and that is wrong
21. My addiction robs me of time and health and causes me to spend the time and energy I do have on the wrong things, making me less useful to the world.
22. My addiction causes me to do other immoral things like pinching food from the people I live with.
23 The emotional consequences of overeating cause me to hurt others.
24. I want to please my boyfriend
25. My overeating sends a bad message to the people for whom I am a teacher and role model

Emotional reasons:
26. Overeating causes extreme guilt
27. Overeating causes self-hatred
28. Being overweight destroys my natural confidence and gregariousness and turns me into a shy person
29. Because I lack confidence in my appearance and feel guilt and self-hatred, I look to for validation in all the wrong places and end up with a skewed and fragile understanding of my own self-worth
30. Overeating gives me a low self-esteem
31 Being overweight makes me feel insecure
32. Overeating stops me from confronting my problems and emotions properly
33. There are many things which I no longer enjoy because I am freaked out by my weight
34. I already have difficulty with social skills due to other diseases, this just makes it even harder to overcome these problems

Practical reasons:
35. Overeating costs me a lot of money. Not only because I spend heaps on food, but because I withdraw from the world and completely ignore my bank statements
36. I don't have enough energy to do all the things I want to do anyway, without being overweight.
37. Lots of things I want to do require physical fitness, including playing sports with my friends , dancing and travelling on the cheap
38. Overeating, dieting, exercising and obsessing about food all take my time and energy away from getting things done
39. Insecurity and nervousness affect my ability to function to the best of my ability, turning me instead into a nervous fumbling wreck who forgets everything.
40. Pretty people are treated better by society.

Can you guys add more?

20 May 2007

THAT day again!

That's right. Today is weigh in day ("not like I wasn't weighing myself every other day" I whisper guiltily). Anyway GREAT NEWS! I lost almost 2kg (about 4lb) this week! That's so amazing, especially considering I wasn't exactly eating for 2kg weight loss (more like a half kg weight loss). That really is encouraging.

Or it would be encouraging if I wasn't so sick. Unfortunately, the thinking has started that tells me I can binge now because I've got 2kg worth of leeway (yeah right...forget the 8kg I still have to go before I can even consider myself "overweight" as opposed to "obese"). Fortunately for me it is very very late so I can go to bed and forget about it. But tomorrow morning will be a test. This is when I stuffed up last time. I've put weetbix on my forbidden list and I'm having porridge so that should help.

I think that the thought of the Dance Club recital really threw me this week. I couldn't help but look at myself in the mirror there and compare myself with all those thin little girls (Asian too...ok no offense to Asian people...but you guys do appear to have some sort of magic slim formula in your DNA..mind if I borrow some sometime?) and worry how I"m going to look on Thursday. That got me thinking about how I need to lose weight QUICK for the performance, and I slipped out of the "One Day at a Time" mode into "diet for that magical future day" mode.

Anyway...I'm really ok. I'm very happy. 88kg is the weight I hovered around before my last binge took me up to the 100kg mark.

Sleeeeeeeeep is calling ZZZZZZ

17 May 2007

Dance Club

It's really really late here (actually read early) so this post may be incoherent and short...but I really did want to post about two things.

Firstly, I went to Dance Club today and we had 3 hours of rehearsals. I've agreed to perform with them next week in the Uni Bar! Arrrgh what was I thinking????? In fact, what is a fat slob like me, with coordination impaired by a genuine neurological disability, and years of underexercising and overeating to make up for doing in dance club anyway???!!! The answer is that my own ability differences are a cocktail of labels that make me impossible to box. I may be insecure, anxious, clumsy and forgetful...but I am also a nerdy valedictorian who has absolutely no qualms about making a fool of herself in public. I have no real sense of inhibition like other people. I think this is a real advantage to a certain extent. My motto is to never let embarrassment or social convention give you unnecessary trouble. It can be a very good one to have. However, it's a difficult motto to live by when you are also insecure. I know that won't make any sense to most of you, but I reckon there'll be a few people out there that will get it.

Anyway, our costume includes a skirt about half the length of any I have ever worn before...and I have to squeeeeeeeze into a medium size!!!! Or perhaps, rather, I have to stretch the medium into an extra large and spill out under and over it. I really want to look nice in the dance but I want to keep living one day at a time. For me I think that means no crazy diets seeking to lose 3kg in one week. But I really really want to go on one right now. I've planned a day tomorrow where food is pretty scarce. But I'm going to try and stay off the scales this week and not overexercise to the detriment of the rest of my life. (Yes I've been known to do that...it's a relatively recent manifestation of this disease...and it does have it's benefits...but not when you are exercising for 3 hours a day in exam week!)

I am really trying to get to our local face to face meeting. I know I'm really privileged to have one within travelling distance, but the only way at the moment is to ask my housemates to drive me all the way there and then wait for me, then drive me all the way back. So I've been trying to organise a lift with someone for whom it is on the way. I feel frustrated with the way my requests have been rebuffed. What happened to all that generous selflessness and sharing with strangers I've been reading about in the Big Book? On the other hand I feel like I am perhaps being rude and demanding. Why should I expect these people to help me? The thing is, if I were them I'd feel obligated to help. Perhaps the problem is with me and my perverted conception of service. I know that's screwed up. Ok bed time

16 May 2007

No perfect recovery?

Well today I was on plan. Yeahhhh me! Although I'm not sure if I should say "yeahhhh God". It is still very discouraging tho to see that abstinence count go down...and so close to a record too. :(. Oh well...that's life. ODAT has to work backwards as well as forwards I suppose.


I think I might finally be ready to move on to step 2. Wow after how many months? I read about all these people who do steps 1-3 in one night etc etc. What the????? I don't know about the "giving yourself over to God" thing. I don't know how that's going to change things. I know plenty of fat people who pray that.

Hmm that's about it for now. I really need some sleep.

14 May 2007

Made It Through Today

Good news. I did manage to get pas the Weetbix mini binge and have a relatively normal eating day. I know you guys are probably all thinking that it was only 3 weetbix, and that I shouldn't even have cared.

Well yes and no. It was still definitely beyond a normal breakfast. But, more importantly, in the past it would not have ended there. Today it did end there and that is amazing! Thankyou God.

But I'm scared to celebrate anything that happens in OA. I'm so frightened this could be a short-lived victory. I've had those in the past. One Day at a Time.

*Warning the next section mentions the Christian church and the Bible.*

My spiritual life is very mixed up right now and I am a fair way off completing steps two and three. Whilst I once would have been sure, I now no longer know who the God of my understanding is, or whether I want to give my life over to him.

But I did go to church today. I'm not sure whether this breaks the OA traditions to talk about it. But there were some passages in the Bible reading that I thought were interesting. I decided to share them in an edited version to show how they are relevant to whatever God (meaning God of one's own understanding) people believe in. If you want to read the original click here:

"
the former spread the message about God out of selfish ambition.... supposing that they can stir up trouble for me... But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, God's message is spread. And because of this I rejoice."

I know that people say addiction is a disease of self-centredness and our recovery relies on becoming other-people-centred and God-centred. I thought this was an amazing example of selflessness. The speaker said that we would all expect the writer to criticise and rail against these people who were knifing him in the back while he was in jail for his beliefs and I knew that I would certainly have gloried in doing so. I would have become eaten up with hatred and felt really angry. But the writer of this passage is so focussed on being of service to his Higher Power that their cruelty rolls off him like water off a duck's back. I thought this was a great example of how selflessness can lead to a wonderful serenity. Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to say, "This person is doing an unspeakably cruel thing to me when I can least defend myself...but what does it matter in the end? I have better things to worry about"


"so that through my being with you again your joy in God will overflow on account of me."

I thought that this was a beautiful thing to aim for. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be a person who's presence brings people closer to God and gives them overflowing joy?

I hope one day to have the serenity of this person. It seems like an incredibly distant hope now. But one day at a time, one step at a time.

I would really appreciate comments from people about whether they thought it was OK to quote the Bible.

13 May 2007

Weetbix are Evil!!

I am writing this post to inform the world of the discovery I have just made: Weetbix are part of an evil goblin conspiracy!!!!!. On Sundays I'm supposed to have Weetbix instead of porridge (I hate porridge). Now two weetbix is considered a standard serve...but do you think I was happy with that? Oh no! No I had to go back after I had my two weetbix with plenty of bran to fill me up, and have another 3!.

Arrgh! I think that this means I've finally broken abstinence. That really sucks. I know how my old thinking would go. I would think to myself You've screwed up now. You should just eat for all it's worth today. After all now you've got to go for two weeks before you can get your abstinence back to where it was. You're a failure. You can't beat this thing.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO THINK LIKE THAT!!!!!
Here's five reasons why:
1. It was just 3 weetbix. That's NOT a big deal. I can still be below my daily calorie intake by following your foodplan. It could have been much worse. In fact, it has been much worse. I've eaten a lot more of them in the past, and Weetbix are even supposed to be healthy ceral (although I wonder if this is merely misinformaiton from the Goblin Propaganda Bureau)
2. I have just made progress. I didn't stay in that old line of thinking. Instead, I went and read some of the AA Big Book and I came down here and starting reading emails and doing my blog. Yeah for me.
3. I can't beat this thing ALONE. I have got to start realising that. But that doesn't mean I am doomed. I've got the Fairy King on my side and He has helped thousands of people to overcome this
4. Now that I am aware of the true evil enchantment surround this breakfast cereal I can avoid it in future.
5. I know some special spells to help restore me to sanity. I know that I need to tell myself Progress not perfection (and this is pretty good progress when you think about it) and one minute at a time
6. I can petition the Fairy King and throw myself on His mercy. This has reminded me that I need to do that if I am ever going to make it. I will throw myself on his mercy now and ask for his serenity and courage. If you are reading this please join me

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Amen

Thanks for the reads

Thank you to all the people who posted comments to my blog or who told me they were reading it. That was so encouraging. It will keep me going with my blogging. My non-OA blog just annoyed me because it took me ages to write it and nobody read it.

But I've been thinking how I shouldn't care about that. I am an absolute prisoner of what other people think. Why should I care whether anybody reads this blog? If it's helping me recover that should be enough. On the other hand, people naturally care about what other people think, and I like to be useful and helpful to other people. Isn't it a good thing to care about whether what you do helps others? Or is it just self-centredness in disguise? I don't know yet. But please keep commenting because I'm definitely going to need the encouragement for the foreseeable future.

Weigh in

Well today is weigh in day! My sponsor said that she weighs herself once a month! Only once a month! I could never do that! I haven't even gotten through a whole week without weighing myself yet. But I made it through till Thursday this week. That's five days. The week before that it was only 2 or 3. Now I know I'm supposed to weigh myself at the same time of day...and for me the most convenient time is just after I shower at night. I have it down to a fine art. First I go to the toilet...even twice if I think it might help. Then I have a shower and make sure I'm nice and dry so that those little droplets of water don't bump my weight up. But I don't put on any clothes of course. Then I line up the scales with the exact same bathroom tiles as they were the last time i weighed myself. Then step on the first analogue scale (the one which I don't rely on but which takes about a half to one kilo off the other scales). Then I turn the digital scales on with my left foot, and step on, left foot first, as far forward as I can. Then I turn them on with my left foot and step on again as far forward as I can but this time with my right foot first. I repeat this process until I have covered all possible weights (my bathroom floor isn't flat) then I take the average of the highest and lowest weight and that is my weight. Oh, and of course I weighed myself about 6 times at different times throughout the day today.

Whew! and I thought I wasn't obsessed with my weight! I used to rely on the scales to keep me going with dieting...but if they don't go far down enough then it triggers me to eat. Surely this should prove my insanity to me.

Anyway...I know what I care about...how much I've lost. Well good news! I'VE LOST 1KG/2LB! Well there abouts. And, that puts me UNDER 200lb!!! That is a relief. For you US people it's hard to understand what pounds do to you. When I got to 100kg I freaked out...but to be over 200lb...arrrrgh! Here is the trick for making the most of the metric/US lingo difference:
1. Measure your current weight in KG
2.Measure your weight loss in LB
3. Measure what you actually ate in calories
4. Measure how much you can eat during the day and how much you burned off at the gym in Kilojoules.

Anyway...that is definitely exciting. Of course I wanted more. I wanted 1.5kg loss. But I know that's not healthy weight loss anyway...It's just my grandma is coming down in July and she's one of those "you need to lose weight but I'll take you to McDonalds and cook cakes for you anyway" grandmothers. I just wish the weight would all go away. I want it gone!!! Yes I know it's impatient...but I don't care. Where's my fairy godmother to turn this pumpkin into a beanstalk?

But don't get me wrong...I'm happy...it's just every time I weigh myself I see how much I've lost but also how far I have to go. Still you can feel quite free to congratulate me!!!

10 May 2007

Upside of moodswings and a little victory.

Moodswings have a great upside...the down moods don't last forever. Of course I do wish that the happiness you felt on the upswing was in proportion to the downswing, but that's life. I feel better today. Not any real reason, except for a good night's sleep. Although I have a headache. I have to take control of things.

The little victory is that I have made 10 days abstinence! That means double figures!!!! The real test will be this Sunday, because the old pattern was that if i dieted for a week i was allowed to binge. I have been known on rare occasions to go more than a week without bingeing, but never more than two.

I'm going to commit to doing 5.5 hours study before i leave uni tonight. That's something I can change. I'm not sure where I read that the first line of the serenity prayer "accept the things I cannot change" covers everything in the past. There's no point letting the past get you down. If i've screwed up on study so far all I can do is get over it and move on.

Ok...to work!

09 May 2007

Giving the writing tool a go

I'm feeling closer to the opposite of serene than I would like to right now. In The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous that recovering from overeating involves finding new and healthier ways to deal with our lack of serenity than food. That's a lovely idea. But right now i don't feel the compulsion to overeat so much as twisted and drowing inside. At least the crazy logic that tells me that this gives me the right (what the?) to eat, isn't kicking in yet. But that's not really helping me right now. Perhaps that's why the 1st step also talks about how our lives in general, not just our weight, has become unmanageable.

So one of the "tools of recovery" that we are supposed to turn to instead of food is writing. We're supposed to write our feelings down. So I'm going to give this writing thing a go and see if it helps me out any. Here goes.

I feel stressed and ashamed and unhappy. I want to avoid life but I can't do that any more. I've been finding since I joined OA I've been losing myself in other things which admittedly aren't food, but which have just as devastating effects on my life. Yesterday I got all carried away with designing this blog, and completely neglected the university work that desperately needs doing...and now I feel guilty and I'm panichking. Gosh I don't know what I"m going to do. I'm going to have to ask my lecturers for extensions but I"m too busy and too ashamed to go and see them. I HAVE to stop getting carried away with things. Then last night I stayed up too late and slept in this morning. And my room was a mess, and I ddin't have enough money to catch my bus, so I raced around the hosue looking for spare change, and becuase I didn't put my wallet straight in my bag I ended up leaving it behind. And I ran into an old school friend who I hadn't seen in six years, and whom I wanted to impress..but instead I had to be humiliated, first by her seeing me with my high school bag. (It was a good bag...why shouldn't I keep it?) and then because I had to empty my bag out on the bus to try and find my wallet, and then call my Dad to meet me with a bus fare. Some people might see that as one of those accidents that happen, but I have neurological issues that interfere with my organisation, and so it happens to me wayyyyy tooo often, and when it does I feel so embarassed, and I wonder whether I will ever be able to live a normal life. Then I went to dancing class, and I could hardly remember any of the steps. I do love dancing, and it's great exercise, but sometiems I do wonder whether it's worth humliation. As well, they want me to perform with them and we'll be wearing fitted clothes so everyone will be able to see how fat I am.

Of course the big thing that threw me off balance was my boyfriend coming back from holidays. Romantic love is not exactly the most serene feeling...and romantic love mixed with anger and hurt feelings is a recipe for disaster. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm with him is because I was desperate for any man to pay some attention to me. He forgot my birthdasy in March this year. I forgave him for it because there was a lot of rough stuff going on in his life at the time. Then at the beginning of this month I sent him an anniversary card for our "anniversary month" (it's difficult to pinpoint the exact date we started going out). At the bottom of the card there was a link that said "send a thankyou e-card to foodfairy". It couldn't have been easier for him to find an opportunity to tell me he loves me and make up for his mistakes. Do you think he did? NO. Nothing. And he keeps shutting me out all the time. He won't even show me his holiday snaps. What kind of a relationship is this? I think he's my biggest obstacle to serenity right now.

Well time to get to work...I don't feel any better yet.

07 May 2007

Welcome and title explanation

Well all. As I explain in my profile. I am a young compulsive overeater and I have joined Overeater's Anonymous and they recommend writing and talking as important to recovery. Well I love writing and I leeeeeeeerve talking...so I've decided to see if starting a blog will help me (and who knows maybe someone else too.)

The title of this blog is not the result of any long or deep deliberation..It's basically the result of me trying to design a pretty template and finding a cute fairy picture and using it. I love fairies. I've loved them ever since I was a little girl. But I only like the pretty little princess ones.My favourite fairy artists are Cecily Mary Barker and Shirley Barber. Their fairies represent everything I want to be...beautiful, feminine, good, kind, in touch with the world, fun. There is just something about fairies. But my overeating stops me from being the fairy princess that I want to be and turns me into a fat food fairy. Food fairies also represent the disease but in a sympathetic way. This blog is to help me change...and to get rid of the food fairies inside me that sprinkle me with stupid dust every time I"m around food. These fairies are sick and tired of being in my head. They just want to be free. I need to set them free so both of us can live.

See you all soon