Ok, so it's been more than a week (yet again) since I posted. But with all the hustling, bustling, frantic, frenetic frenzy that is the "Silly Season" I hope I can be forgiven. Of course, one thing this past month has taught me is that there should be no excuses in this program. The first part of my conference, I was abstinent, because I made a massive effort to continue to work the program. When things got more hectic towards the end of the conference, I let my program slip, and my abstinence went with it. This Christmas/New Year, my only abstinent days have been ones where I made an effort to keep in touch with the program. The rest of the time I made excuses for not working the program, but these excuses were really a cover up for a lack of willingness to be abstinent. As it turned out, I was definitely not abstinent over the Christmas, New Year period, because I didn't want to be. I'm still far too attached to the notion that I deserve those little "breaks' when I can once again feel that sweet sensation of sugar flowing through my veins. At the moment, I am praying very hard for willingness. This is the most important thing for me at this stage of the program.
Recently on the train, I was reading the Brown Book and I found this quote:
"Off in the distance stands that chocolate ship of mine. I do not have to go back to it UNLESS I CHOOSE to. Thank God, today I HAVE A CHOICE." (emphasis mine) If I have a choice there are no excuses, only the need for willingness.
The section I was reading was Chapter 20: Sink The Lollipop and I scribbled some reflections down on note paper. It is my policy to dispose of such incriminating documents at the first opportunity for the sake of privacy (I had a bad experience once when I left behind my diary at work and my boss found it) but I would also like to keep what I wrote. So I've decided that the best thing to do is to type them up here, that way I'm using the writing and service tools at the same time (I'm so efficient!)
"Within the huge body was an emotionally contorted child"
I hide behind my huge body. It's a storehouse for all the bad parts of myself, a storehouse with the advantage of making its contents appear transitory. "A simple diet could fix this body of mine, and along with it all the evil that it contains," I persist in telling myself.
The phrase "emotionally contorted" describes me to a T. I am immature in so many ways and my emotions are contorted in several senses. They are contorted in the sense of being tangled and confused. I have no idea where one emotion starts and the other begins. They are contorted because they are in the sort of painful, unnatural, unhealthy and ugly state that one sees at circus sideshows. They are contorted in the sense that they are stretched and squeezed, far beyond the point where they can remain stable.
My immaturity comes through in the way I see and understand the world. I am self-centred and I make mountains out of molehils. I fail to regulate myself- I don't have the emotional executive functions that other adults have. This means I can neither examine my emotions critically and objectively, nor control and bend them to my will. So instead, like all children do, I live in a fantasy world.
"I expected people to look after me"
Like other immature people, I take a follower role. I cannot be captain of my own ship because I am unable to face the idea of taking responsibility for dealing with crises. I expect others to fix the world around me. I sometimes encourage or assist their efforts. But as for getting up from the sidelines and taking centre stage in my own life, I don't think so. Instead, I prefer to criticise and rage against those who do make an effort, especially when those efforts don't meet my expectations. My expectations are rather simple, I think, they are that other people will meet my standards and fulfill my needs. This is an incredibly selfish and self-centred attitude and I pray that God will relieve me of it as soon as possible.
"...candy...eliminated the need to make decisions."
This desire to avoid decision-making is a MAJOR factor in my bingeing. Decision-making is a difficult and terrifying prospect for me. Bingeing makes me feel free of this great burden. At the most superficial level, it lets me avoid decisions about portion sizes, budgeting, nutritious foods, eating times etc. etc. Instead of making my own decisions, I let my cravings and instincts and circumstances dictate my behaviour. In seeking freedom I beocme inslaved to that which harms on a deeper level, because it enables me to put off bigger decisions in my life until its too late. Eating shields me from decision-making because it lets me live in the future. I simply put off whatever distresses or confuses me until I've finished eating, or until I've lost weight. Yet the idyllic future I'm living in doesn't exist, instead, I can look forward to a ruined future, with life passing me by due to my failure to make decisions. Perhaps one of the reasons I find deicsion-making difficult is because I cannot trust myself to make the right decision. Perhaps it is also difficult because it always involves internal struggle: struggle with one's desires, struggle with one's reason, struggle with the competing options. I don't want to struggle. I want ot surrender. But food is a ruthless overlord. I must find something else to surrender to. That's why I need a Higher Power.
"I ate because I was sick, and I was sick because I ate."
This cycle applies to my disease at all three levels: spiritual, emotional and physical. Physically, when I am unwell for any reason I use it as an excuse to binge. Yet bingeing only fills my body with junk, which suppresses my immune system, tires out my digestive system, imbalances my energy production mechanisms, and poisons me. This, in turn, leads to lethargy, prolonged infection, irritation, allergies, and general poor health. This poor health then makes me bored, depressed, scared and angry at God. So I eat more, and the cycle starts again. Emotionally, it is a similar and related story. Not only do the physical imbalances negatively impact on my emotions, but weight guilt, and low self-esteem come with bingeing are also direct results of bingeing. And Spiritually, guilt and anger are major blocks to my relations with my Higher Power.
Looking at all these reflections, it's easy to see how evil the "chocolate ship" is. It is the true "ship of fools", the doomed vessel. Yet if I have a choice to be on it or not, why do I keep making the wrong decision? Why am I not fleeing it without a backward glance? God please grant me willingness
