08 October 2007

I write too much!!!





I’m too sexy for this bandage!
Yes I’m still wearing bandages on my hand and my ankle. I’ve looked into elasticated braces but they cost $AU30-$70 each. I am walking again now, with difficulty, but with two feet nonetheless, and I am gradually getting more movement and less pain. It will be at least 3 more weeks, probably four, before I’m back to normal there. As for my wrist, it’s getting better, but because I can’t walk I want to sit around and do a lot of typing, which is, of course not good. The bandage is a little embarrassing, but nowhere near as bad as the crutches. My mother is also improving. For the first few days after she broke her ribs she couldn’t even go to the toilet on her own because it was too painful for her to get up and down off the seat. Now, although she is still on pain killers and can’t bend over or reach up high, she’s managing do get around the house and do most things herself.

I am really starting to reap the physical results of weight loss these days. Just before my bike accident i went to the shop and bought a navy blue sports track suit that looked like something Gabrielle Solice would wear out exercising. I no longer had to search for the large sizes, and it looked so slim on me. And here is the amazing part: I took a size L off the rack (not a size XL like before) and I had to change if for a size M!!!!! (Ok so it was very stretchy material and it’s a little tight, but I’m still wearing an M!!) I was over the moon!!! I walked straight up to the shop assistant and said “Excuse me, I would just like to inform you that I have lost 20kg and am buying a size M.” I don’t know whether she thought I was a complete nutcase, but she was polite and congratulatory to my face, and I was just so happy.

Another benefit is that I am getting just a little more attention from boys. I am 22 years old and I have never had a guy so much as hit on me at a bar, let alone ask me on a date. Well that’s not strictly true, a guy in high school asked me out...as a joke. Twice in the past few weeks, however, I have had stupid teenage boys call out to me “you’re hot” or “you’re sexy” as I was out riding/walking. Better yet, the other day I got on the bus, and two boys were on the bus with me. The bus driver told me he thought my hair was better blonde (he knows me) and one of these (male) total strangers piped up and said “it looks ok to me.” Moreover, even though he had a book to read, he made an effort to talk to me, ask me my name, and spend the 30 minute trip chatting to me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it...and I know I have serious problems with depending on boys approval for my self esteem, but it really was the highlight of my week!!!!

Progress but not perfection:
My program is plodding along slowly, 2 steps forward, and one step back, but I can’t complain:

I’m still not putting together days and days of back to back abstinence. But I’ve read in the OA Brown Book that perfect abstinence is uncommon among compulsive eaters. I”m getting a clearer idea of what actually constitutes abstinence. I’ve realised it’s not so much about what I’m eating as why. If I were marooned on a desert island with a broken back with only chocolate to eat, then abstinence would be sitting around eating chocolate all day. But if I go to a buffet and load my plate sky high with meat and vegetables because I’m nervous about being around other people or I just can’t bear to not to have “all you can eat”, then I am not being abstinent. Moreover, these two scenarios are not “either/or” but ends of a continuum. Recently I’ve been moving further towards the abstinence end of that continuum, but I am far from what I would like to be. I long ago stopped my abstinence count. It just makes me anxious and competitive. I feel I have to focus on perfection and not progress, and can no longer live one day at a time.

Perhaps the worst breach of abstinence recently was when I was at a low point from being stuck in the house for two weeks. I was angry with my HP and isolated from others so I went on a binge shop. I haven’t done that in a long time. I bought a massive box of Ferrero Rocher chocolate, 2 packs of fun size cadbury chocolates, 2 litres of ice cream, a packet of choc chip cookies, nutella spread and crumpets (perhaps a bit more, I can’t remember) I planned (unrealistically of course) to eat all this in one night and then go back to abstinence the next day. Once upon a time I would have begun bingeing as soon as I got home, soon got sick of the chocolate, but continued to eat it on and off for the rest of the night until I was feeling a little queasy. Then, since I couldn’t possibly eat all of what I’d bought in one night, I would have let my binge go on into the next day, and then, since I had started that day badly, allow the whole day to be written off, maybe even go buy some more binge food and start the cycle again. This time, however, I realised I wasn’t enjoying it and I shouldn’t be eating it. I kept eating for a little while, but stopped, and before the night was over I threw out all the leftovers (half the Ferrero Rochers, most of the cadbury, the nutella, and ¾ of hte cookies. Admittedly I didn’t throw out the ice cream, but finished all of that off that night. Then I went back to abstinence. I even had less guilt and anxiety after my binge (certainly I wasn’t anxiety free, but I wasn’t shattered. If I had an abstinence count it owuld have made things worse because I would have had to start counting again. ). Now because I was able to limit the size of my bine and go straight back to abstinence it really hasn’t become a big deal.

I’ve continued to lose weight, mcuh more slowly, but that’s not at all surprising. The great news on that front is that my BMI has crossed that wonderful line so that it now starts with a 2 instead of a 3, meaning I am no longer be obese!!!!! Thank God for my fellow compulsive eaters, the only people who can understand what an achievement that is. I haven’t been overweight since I was about 12 or 13 years old. When I cam to OA I was severely obese, and only a few weeks of bingeing away from being morbidly obese. I did a bit of digging and I found out that the BMI labels for the various weight levels are as follows:
25-29.9="overweight"

30-34.9=" obese"

35-39.9=" severely obese

40+= morbidly obese

Ok well that’s enough time spent on this blog. As a perfectionist I always want to write everything every time I post, whereas it would be much better if I posted regularly in small amounts. But that’s life.

Bye from Foodfairy (a compulsive eater and food addict)