Back again

Yes it is a long time since I last posted. I know that lots of you have given up on me. In fact it seems like everybody has. That's a very self-centred whiney thing to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I have no readers and no comments which upsets me.

There have been huge changes in my life since I last posted which I really should update everyone on.

1. I finally dropped the old boyfriend that cause grief in my early posts.
   
2. I have a new boyfriend with whom I would like to move in some time in the foreseeable future
3. I got a job in a nearby city. That was a big change because I have been living solely on disabilty for a few years now so it was a big step forward
4. I dropped the job in Sydney (which actually sucked) and got a new job in Wollongong doing what I love. But that job is only part time casual. It's still a foot in the door, but I just have to keep moving forward. The next step is full time work
5. My abstinence has been pretty poor lately. It's often non-existent. I'm ramping up my program to try and get it back again. I'm blaming it on stress, but hte real problem is unwillingness to surrender every aspect of my life to God.
   

Posting Again

Ok, lets play "Spot the Compulsive Eater". There is a person who starts her blog and posts every day for a couple of weeks, then doesn't post, then posts again, and then stops posting for almonst two months, and posts twice in a week. I'm not a person of extremes....well not really...well perhaps a little bit...

Did you spot those two second addictive traits? Denial and a need to control everything, including the actions of others? I put them in red in case you missed them. You might also have noticed some progress...some moving out of denial. That's the stage I'm at now. I've been in denial for several months and five kg about my slide towards relapse. Perhaps it's been even longer. But now I'm being totally honest. I posted my new weight here on my blog, and I admitted it at two meetings. I know honesty is important to recovery. In the Big Book it says that the three essential traits needed for recovery are "honesty, openmindedness and willingness". I don't have any of these in spades. But I have a smidgen of each. I'm just hoping they'll be enough for recovery. I'm praying for more of them every day.

I've been working my program harder the last week or so. Last week a drove an hour round-trip to go to a second face to face meeting and I emailed my sponsor and sponsee, read my online program emails, meditated, prayed, journalled and worked on my fourth step, almost every day. I try and do 5-10 minutes of each every day. I find committing to a tiny tiny action is much easier for me than committing to anything massive. I've also started listening to OA speakers in my car. That's a useful thing to do. I highly recommend that one. I download my speakers from www.oalaig.org

As a result I've got back some semblance of abstinence. I've given up the sugary foods and the three big binge foods: ice cream, chocolate and buttered bread. The buttered bread binge food is a big one that I've been trying not to admit for a long time. But if you can't stop at two pieces of buttered toast, but you go on to half a loaf, or even more, so that at the end you feel sick, that's compulsive eating of an alcoholic food. I'm not snacking as much either. Just one or two snacks if I need them because meals are too far apart or I need ot take my antibiotics. The next step now is to cut down my meal sizes. At the moment my meals are still binges. I don't know if I'm still putting on weight or if I"m losing it. That's actually a good thing, because it means I've given away a bit of that obsession with weight. I've even put my scales away in my room without going back to get them again.

Hisashiburi---Long time no see

Yes I know it's been a while. I'm actually much more faithful with this blog than I was with my non-OA one, in which I kept up semi-weekly posts for a couple of months and then just stopped posting. I need to do service and use the writing tool. I know that. But finding the time is pretty hard. I think we all also know that. My food has been a bit off the last few months. Well I've been saying "a bit off" during those months, but let's face it, when you put on 3-4kg (6-8lb) in a few months, and your eating is off track on more days than it's on track, then you're not "a bit off" you're so far off you're in relapse. Just because I haven't regained all the weight or anything doesn't mean I'm not in relapse. The other day I stole food from the fridge and ate it in secret. I've been anxious and yelling at people. I've been spending too much money on food. I've been eating chocolate and ice cream by the packet.

The good news, of course, is that I have the program. I just need to work it harder. I know that it works if I work it and I'm worth it.

The Entertainer

One of my favourite parts of our intergroup retreat was the "review", "entertainment", "variety show" or whatever else you call it, that we had on the Saturday night. I helped out with the writing and performance of several skits. Everyone loved them and thought they were hilarious. I want to put the scripts here:

I got a lot of inspiration from the television show "Starved" which was on late at nights in Australia at the same time as I started the program (odd or God?...A pretty big coincidence whatever the case). Apparently it only ran for a few episodes, but it was an absolutely awesome show. If you can get your hands on a DVD or an online version let me know. If you're offended by sexual references and things then don't watch it because it is quite risque, but otherwise it is amazing.

Script 1: Romance Gone Wrong:

Characters: Compulsive Eater, Fruitarian, Narrator

Compulsive Eater approaches Fruitarian infatuated and shy, like a lovesick puppy

Hi....um...I really really like you. I've never met anyone like you. Please...please, please, will you go out to dinner with me?

Fruitarian: in a snobby voice

Well you know I only date fruitarians....are you a fruitarian?

Compulsive Eater's face falls and they look horrified.

Errr...do fruitarinas still eat chocolate, pizza, KFC, ice cream and cheeseburgers? Because I haver to eat those.

Fruitarian: Er...in a word, No! ...But I do make a delicious, fruititious, nutritious, 110% fat free, zero-calorie vegan burger!

Compulsive Eater: Falls to their knees and shouts Oh my! I love you so much! Will you marry me? Your lifestyle totally enables my eating disorder!!!

Compulsive Eater and Fruitarian turn away from audience. Compulsive Eater stuffs padding in his/her clothes. Fruitarian puts on a wedding viel.

Narrator: 6 months later

Compulsive Eater: Angrily rips the veil off Fruitarian's head. What have you done to me, you liar!!! I've been eating a gazillion of your burgers every day. You said they were zero calorie 110% fat free so I should have been able to eat as many as I wanted. Now look what's happened to me! The wedding's off!! I never want to see you again!

Skit 2: Dietrette Patches
This one was inspired by the Nicorette ads I posted about previously and also by a Chindogu I saw once.

Characters: Compulsive Eater (name can be anything), Dietrette Salesperson, Cheerleader, Devil, OA Angel

Compulsive eater: Slumps down on the stage.
You know, I really am addicted to food. Beats the air with her fist I need to do something about it, now!

Dietrette Salesperson: Oh I have a wonderful solution for you. These new dietrette suhgar patches and this nose cover. Put your favourite foods in the nose cover and put on this patch, and you'll smell your favourite foods all the time- whilst also keeping your blood sugar up in that hyperactive range you've come to love. You can eat a salad and feel like you're eating five mudcakes. And it only costs $5 millioon! Imagine it...it will be like having your own personal cheerleader to help with weight loss....Hands a huge children's band-aid and a ridiculous loking fake nose to COE, who puts them on enthusiastically, then exits

Cheerleader: Enters stage in costume doing elaborate moves and chanting "No [COE's name], No!" "No [COE's name], no!"

Devil: Enters from other side of stage and places a bowl in front of COE's face, whispering Eat it! Eat it! Eat it

Cheerleader and Devil continue on either side of Compulsive Eater, who becomes increasingly distressed, clutching her nose and arm. Compulsive Eater then covers their ears and shouts desperately "NO! No! NO!!!"

OA Angel: Enters from the back of the audience, wearing an angel costume. Reaches out hand to COE and addresses them by name. It's alright Sally. I put my hand in yours and together we'll find freedom. Just say "Yes God Yes."

Skit 3: Apocalyptic Eating:
This one is all me. This is my mentality to a T

Characters: Compulsive Eater, Friend

Compulsive Eater: Stands in front of a backdrop picturing a massive pile of canned food of all types. Holds a pot and is frantically tipping cans into the pot, stirring and cooking

Friend: Walks in and surveys the scene. What on earth are you doing with all this canned desert....baked beans,, spam....and dog food!???

Compulsive Eater: Looks terrified. I'm preparing for the apocalypse! I told you before- tomorrow there's going to be a terrible disaster! The end of the worldas I know it. Slim chances of survival. I have to get ready!

Friend: Oooookay.....welkl for starters you never mentioned an apocalypse. Um...and you do realise that the advantage of canned food is sort of lost if you cook and eat it before the apocalypse actually happens?

Compulsive Eater: Not this apocalypse! This is the diet apocalypse. I have to eat as much as I can before the dreaded calorie count falls.

Skit 4:

This one was inspired directly by a Garfield cartoon.

Characters: Compulsive Eater, Scales

Scales: Stand in the centre of the stage. The person can be made to look like scales in any way you like. The person in our skit just used mime. Compulsive Eater Walks over to scales. They tip to one side

Compulsive Eater: You're fat

Scales: Look very distressed Am not.

Compulsive Eater: Are too!

Scales: Angrily Am not!

Compulsive Eater: Are too!

Scales: Scream Am NOT am NOT am NOT!!

Compulsive Eater: You can dish it out but you can't take it, can you?

Intergroup Retreat- Morning After

Lots of things happened on the Monday morning before breakfast at the intergroup retreat....
I wouldn’t know about them. I got out of bed, got dressed and rushed down to the main hall just in time for breakfast (who isn’t surprised I missed that? It’s amazing how effective a motivator food is to the compulsive eater). I was pretty ticked off that they put raisins in the porridge, since that was the item that was on my food plan for breakfast that morning. I don’t like raisins.

I had a good chat over breakfast to some people who were interested in Asperger’s/autism. As usual I did most of the talking. Learning to listen is going to be an important part of my recovery, I think. I also had a good chat to a lady who had a similar history of “never having been slim” before OA. There are so many OAers who weren’t that overweight to begin with, or who were yo-yo dieters. She was on a very restricted food plan because as she became abstinent she discovered heaps of food allergies. She pointed out the link that some people believe exists between food intolerances and autism.I know about that. I’m not supposed to eat Gluten and Casein. That means no wheat, oats, rye or dairy. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that dairy and carbs tend to be big triggers for me,. But I’m trying to give up one food at a time. My first total eliminations were weetbix and ice cream. Besides, my psychiatrist is very scepitical of the food intolerance theories of autism. He is much less sceptical of the idea that I have a physical reaction to refined sugar and simple carbohydrates. Apparently that's fairly common in people with ADHD.

Now I have been committing to my sponsor daily that I will abstain from ice cream, chocolate, bread, sugar and white flour. The weetbix is also off the table, but it comes under the sugar thing I think. Anyways, I don’t eat weetbix. But at the meeting after breakfast I discovered that merely refraining from binge foods does not constitute abstinence. One of the veteran members said that “you mustn’t eat an abstinent meal compulsively” I can completely relate to that idea. It seems like a contradiction in terms, but it isn’t. For example, on my birthday this year, I thought that I was abstinent because I didn’t have any sugar or white flour. Now i know that was a huge achievement to get through the day like that. But it wasn’t abstinence. I was eating non-stop even if I wasn’t eating my so-called trigger foods. In fact, if I’m honest, I was bingeing. It was only a matter of time after that before I did break my sugar and white flour rules.

The fact is that abstinence is defined as “refraining from eating compulsively”. This means, whenever I eat for my own self-will and not God’s will, whenever i’m not submitting to the guidance of God and the program, whenever hte food is eaten selfishly not to nourish my body so I might better do God’s will, and whenever I’m failing to have “life in between meals”, constanntly thinking about the next meal instead of being present in the moment,-whenever I’m doing all these things I am not abstinent. That’s a hard definition to have, but it’s true. Lots of OA members shared that they still struggled with the freedom from the obsession. I don’t want to have that obsession for the rest of my life, to be a “dry drunk.” And yet that’s what I do. I do feel powerless against this obsession, but I find it hard to trust thqt God can relieve it.

Retreating further

Ok so I really wanted to share as much as I could about my intergroup retreat. It was awesome, and I want to milk the experience for all it's worth by writing about it, sharing about it and reflecting on it as much as I can...now where was I up to?..

Ah yes, after the candlelit meeting on the Friday night, most people went to bed, but since I'm a nightowl I stayed. I had the added incentive that somebody was setting up a Scrabble game. I LOVE Scrabble! But I have nobody to play it with. I play it on the computer sometimes, but I always see board games as social things.

Of course socialisation for the compulsive person with Asperger's is a real double-edged sword. I was terribly nervous because I didn't know anyone there. Now I'm doing my fourth step I'm becoming aware of many of my faults. I know I'm not as spiritually fit as I thought I was. I was frightened that the people in the program would look down on me for not being spiritual enough. I felt my old need to show off and impress coming through. I had to win the scrabble to prove I was "smart". That is my self-worth and my social worth...I have to be smart. That's the one thing I can do. I'm fat, annoying, clumsy and socially awkward...but I can win a scrabble game. That's how I think. But then of course, I started to worry that my showing off would be obvious, and that these "spiritual" people would think me an arrogant smart-##S. So I slipped into the defence of "I'm not upsetting you am I?" "Sorry if I did...". It tends to work, people are like "Oh no it's fine." Few people have the courage to answer "Yes you are." to a question like that.

But that's the thing about spiritually fit people, they don't need to judge others. They just cared for me and accepted me. That became even clearer that night, when I woke several people up in my dorm by having a late shower. I said I was sorry, and everyone was ok with it. They seemed genuinely forgiving. I tell you what...people who disturb my slumber don't get much sympathy from me. I just felt the serenity from some of those people.

Getting away from it all

OA Intergroup Retreat

Hi everyone. I hope you are all well and abstinent. I had a wonderful time this weekend just past at a retreat organised by my local OA intergroup. It was amazing. I knew I needed to go. My sponsor went to great lengths to get to her retreat, and recommended I do the same, and I’m a big fan of retreats anyway. I had wanted to go on one ever since I started the program.

We arrived on the Friday night at about 7pm. Everyone was eating dinner. It was lovely to be around people who also had physical allergies to certain foods, like me. The food was free of gluten, and somebody else asked whether there was sugar in the chutney (the only thing on the weekend with added sugar). When I waited to have lunch, a simple “I don’t like to have eat too early” sufficed, without any need to worry what people were wondering.

After dinner we had a late night identification meeting which included a beautiful ceremony where the lights were dimmed, the chair lit a small candle. After her share, she told us one quality that she’d like to pass on to the person nextto her, and then used her candle to light theirs. As we each shared our experience strength and hope the room gradually began to light up and we became a circle of hope united against the darkness. I can be a very visual and kinesthetic learner, and I'm a bit of a romantic at heart, so I enjoyed the symbolism. It was also good to see teh variety of people there. Several of us were in our twenties, whilst others were in their seventies or eighties. Some has been in teh program a few months, and some had been in it for decades. My usual face to face meeting is very small so there was no one whom I knew. That was actually a good thing because it gave me an extra level of anonymity which enabled me to share more honestly and openly.

The Flatlands

Have you ever been in the Australian outback? It’s a wonderful experience and I really recommend it. There’s nowhere else on earth like it. The remoteness is unimaginable to all but a few. The colours are brighter than anywhere else on earth, and contrast with each other in a raw primeval way, even as they blend together into one another to form strangely beautiful new hues like green gold, red-blue, and silver-cream.

Of course all this can be observed fairly early on in one’s journey, and, since journeys through the Australian outback take hours.....and hours....and hours on end, the novelty can wear off, or at least become drowned out by the car-sickness, boredom, drowsiness, and other more familiar, if less pleasant, sensations we associate with road trips.


I feel that my recovery is in a bit of an outback spot at the moment. I’m travelling along a flat road, neither improving nor deteriorating...at least the landscape around me isn’t deteriorating. It’s been the same for the past couple of months. But I am deteriorating. My recovery is going backwards. Recovery is a mountain, not a plane. I haven’t been climbing it. I’ve been content to coast along and hope things improve. I was so excited by my progress, that I just let things slip. This program requires so much dedication and perseverance. Sometimes we can be deceived by the beautiful country of wellness that we are entering, into thinking that we have left our disease behind for good. The moment we forget our first step, we are bound to slip. I keep forgetting my first step.

I think part of the reason is that I don’t like the second and third steps, and the first step makes them necessary. If I can’t manage my own life then I have to let someone else manage it. It’s hard not to admit I cant’ manage my own life. Just the other day my mother said to me “We’ve tried so many things to make you happy, and you’re never happy. You need to spend a long time with God.” I knew the first part was true. I didn’t like what she deduced from it. But that second part was true too. I need something outside myself to manage my life. If nothing else that means the program. I need the program, and I need to be devoted to achieving recovery through spiritual renewal. To get that spiritual renewal I need to work the steps and use the tools. Even if I don’t want to. Well at least I’m writing here now.

The biggest problem for me at the moment is in the relationship department. I finally laid stuff on the line to my boyfriend over a month ago. The way he treats me would be totally unacceptable under almost any circumstances. (I don't mean he hits me or anything like that). But our circumstances are very unusual, and he is going through a LOT at the moment. I said I would stick by him through this hard time, but I still feel taken for granted and besides, what's so great about this relationship anyway? We don't really have that much in common to be honest.

Anways, I layed things on the line. I was sure that was God's will. But I was angry and resentful in the way that I spoke to him. That was not God's will. And I wasn't honest. I blamed him for our problems, and ignored my own part in them. Moreover, I was insecure and distressed. I said in the email I sent him that "I don't suppose you'll even bother to answer" but the fact was I really hoped he would. He didn't, and I felt so rejected and alone and lost. So, about a week or two after that, when I hadn't heard from him, I sent him another email, saying I was so sorry for being so mean to him in his hour of need, and would he take me back. (Can anyone say "coward"?) Now I'm back where I started....thinking I'm in a relationship that isn't God's will but not trusting God to get me out of it and take care of me...after all I tried that. Oh yeah...my boyfriend replied to the second email, and we talked, but I haven't heard from him since. (can anyone say Jerk?)

Sorry Guys!!!

Ok well I know that not many of you are reading me at the moment (and who can blame you?) so you might have missed the fact that I've been missing in action for almost two months now. I have quite a few excuses. But they're all pretty lame ones. I need to blog here. I need to be part of this online community of OA bloggers. I know there are only a few of us that can post every day, but here's my new commitment: to post once a fortnight and to comment on each of the blogs in my blogroll during the same period. Let's see if that's do able shall we?




In the meantime, my food has been off and on. I finally broke 50 days abstinence the other day (my longest time yet) and haven't got anywhere near that since then. But it's all about progress not perfection and there was a time when 50 days abstinence would have been as impossible for me to achieve as a gold medal in skiing. Also, I've hit the 30kg mark in my weight loss (that's 66lb). Which is just awesome for me. I've never lost anything like that in my life. I'm a special breed of yo-yo dieter- the "inverse inexpert kind". You know how kids (like me) who can't use a yo-yo properly, end up with it bouncing up and down at the end of it's string, never rising back into their hand? Well my weight bounced up and down within a range of about 5-10kg (10-20lb) and never got anything like target weight. In factg I was never anything less than obese. I am now just 3kg away from normal weight. Amazing! Praise God!!!


Here are some photos:


These first two are of me near my top weight (around 95kg/
























These are from my "losing weight" phases (somewhere between 80 and 90kg/ 175 and 200lb)

And these are from my graduation and my trip to the easter show in the last couple of months (71-75 kg/155-165lb)

Crash

Attention All: this is a community service announcement concerning public safety:

Foodfairy is learning to drive!

Actually, I've been learning to drive for a while now. But today I had my first accident. I'm pretty shaken up about it, and my natural reaction would be to eat. I can control it for the time being, but without some program work that will only be a temporary soluation. As one of the virtual speakers I've been listening to lately mentioned, if you don't write about your feelings you will eventually eat over them, sooner or later. That has certainly been my experience. I can deal with my emotions by bottling them up for only so long. But inside that bottle they all ferment into hunger. So I know I need to write about how I feel right now. I haven't been injured physically by the accident, but I could still be injured by the emotional fall-out.

So basically what happened was this: I was driving along a two-laned road that becomes one lane about 200m down from where I was. So, knowing I would have to change lanes at some point, I thought I would be smart and get in early. However, there is an important turn off before the lanes merge, so, the cars in the target lane are liable to be stopping quickly. This is why, in fact, my supervising driver had always waited until AFTER we passed the turnoff to tell me I needed to change lanes.

So, being inattentive and wilful as I usually am, I decided to change lanes early, without being directed, and without seeing that there was a car getting ready to stop and indicate.I was going too fast and I didn't check in front of me as well as behind me before I changed lanes. I think I got distracted when my supervising driver asked me why I was changing lanes. Anyway, I pulled in behind the car in question, and, I think, accelerated. I saw it, and my supervising driver yelled BRAKE!!! and I put my foot on the ACCELERATOR. I soon realised that I had put my foot on the wrong pedal and switched, but it was too late. We banged corners. Here's a picture of the corner of my car.

So the other guy got out and said I'd hit something. I said I hadn't, because my supervising driver said she didn't think I had. This got his back up, and he said "Yes you have, get out and have a look." Well I didn't want to get out and have a look. I was stopped in the middle of the road held in place only by the footbrake, inches from his car, and taking up two lanes. I asked if we could drive down the shoulder at the bottom of the hill. But by now he thought I wasn't going to take responsibility for it, and so he was trying to insist that I give him my name, license and registration before I went anywhere. We managed to convince him to follow us 100m down to the kerb, and I got out and gave him my license and name. But by that time I had started crying and was close to breaking down. So my supervising driver took over and I went to the car and started shaking and bawling. We went straight home, and I sat on the couch and bawled and cried some more. My supervising driver happened to be my mum, and so she sat on the couch with me and comforted me.

I have so many feelings going round in my head at the moment and I don't know what they are. I feel angry and resentful towards the other driver and my mum. I'm not exactly sure why. I mean he didn't really do anything wrong. The accidwent was undoubtedly my fault. It was no one else's fault- not my mum's and not his. He was angry and pedantic about getting my details-but who wouldn't be, especially after I denied I hit him in the first place? I'm resentful of my mum because she didn't tell me that I was a wonderful driver and it wasn't my fault (which is what I wanted to hear, but it wasn't the truth) and because she's still upset and gloomy, and that makes me feel bad and guilty.


I'm afraid, very afraid. I'm afraid that he will come after me for all I've got, and that the damage to his car and/or our car will be much worse than it looks, and there will be, at the very least, a huge insurance excess that I can't afford and my parents can't afford (I'm really struggling with money at the moment anyway). I'm afraid that my mum will think I'm a terrible driver and not take me out driving again. Or, if she does take me out driving again, I'm afraid she'll get all overcautious and overprotective and do the whole "You have to drive at 40km an hour [24miles] in an 80km [48miles] zone" thing. I'm afraid that my ADHD will stop me from ever being a good driver. That I'll never be able to pay attention to everything on the road, and that I'll be stuck at home with no life forever. Or else I'm afraid that one day I'll have a terrible car accident and get brain damage and turn into a zombie or a horrible person or something. (Yes I'm getting ahead of myself). I'm afraid that my parents will be angry at me and hate me.

I'm also afraid of my feelings- that they're not right or proper or real or something. This is a longer-running issue that is coming out in my fourth step. But I often use sad feelings to manipulate others, and I can't tell the difference between genuine bad feelings, and dramatized ones. Often I think it's a combination of both. But I still have this guilt and confusion about where one ends and the other begins. Today, when I was crying and shaking, was it to get sympathy and leniency from the other driver and from my mum? Or was it because I was actually shaken up? The thought certainly did cross my mind that I should cry, and that it would be better for me if I did, but I was also upset, I think. And when I called the people whom I'd been goin to see to say that I wouldn't make it, did I really need to tell them I'd crashed my car, so that they'd be all sympathetic? Couldn't I have just said something happened? Wouldn't other people be too ashamed or shaken to tell anyone that? Doesn't the fact I was able to use it to excuse something show that I wasn't really feeling ashamed, guilty and shaken enough?

I also feel fear about guilt. I worry taht I don't feel guilty enough. I'm really quite self-centred in my reactions to all of this. I"m not concerned for the person I crashed into, or my mum's trauma and state of mind. I'm not concerned for the other people on the road (primarily). I know I need to feel guilty, and to feel humbled so that I won't be so cocksure of myself next time I drive. But I can't make myself feel these things to a satisfactory extent, And if I did feel them to the extent I think I should I woulnd't be able to cope anyway. So I'm scared of not feeling the right way, scared of feeling the right way, and just damned confused and guilty.

Epilogue: Learning to drive in my part of Australia:

Ok, so the first thing you guys need to know is that I've had my learner's permit for about five years. That's a little bit long, but the reasons for it are threefold:

1. Finding the time and money was difficult for a long time

2. I am a procrastinator

3. The laws about driving in my part of Australia are insanely strict. So it's becoming more and more common to take a long time to get your licence

In my state you have to go through ALL the following stages to get a full licence

1. Turn 17 years old

2. Take a test on the road rules and safe driving habits, getting a very very high score

3. Complete 50 hours of driving practice under the supervision of a fully licensed (not provisional) driver, practising a variety of manoevres in a variety of conditions (since I got my learners' permit it's gone up to 120 hours thank goodness I missed that.)

4. Pass a very strict on road test, which almost everyone fails the first time.

5. Receive a 1st level provisional license (red P's) and keep those for a year. Your driving is restricted during this period, and you have ot display P-plates on your car

6. Pass a test based on a computer simulation designed to test how you deal with emergencies on the road

7. Receive a second level provisional license (green P's) and drive for another two years with P-plates on your car and restrictions

8. FINALLY receive your full license.

Is that overkill or what???

My favourite quotes from the 10th Tradition

Hi there. I'm Foodfairy, a compulsive overeater. When I was reading the Tenth Tradition in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, I wrote down these passages and I thought I would share them with you.

"The OA recovery program is essential to each one of us. Our very survival depends on it. Without it...many of us would have litle time or energy left to do anything else." -p186
This is a helpful reminder when I don't feel like working the program. I need to remember how much I would lose if I lost my recovery. I need to remember the promises of the program. I might not die in a physical or literal sense, but I would lose so much of my vitality, that I would be useless to the world around me, and die a slow emotional and spiritual death

"We find we can live happier and more effective lives wehn we focus on doing our Higher Power's will each day, rather than on conflicts." -p189
Dale Carnegie once said that we should avoid conflicts like we do a pit full of snakes. He pointed out that they really serve no good purpose. Most of the time when we are involved in conflicts we are not taking constructive action. The Big Book says that faith without constructive unselfish action is dead.

I hate my sister and my boyfriend

Resentments, resentments, resentments. I know the Big Book says that we must be rid of them or they kill us. It also says that our troubles are of our own making, a result of our self-centred-ness. Yeah? Well perhaps that's true. But right now I still feel #*%* resentful of both those people...so much so that I'm sobbing in my bed at 3:30am in the morning. Unless I write SOMETHING I'm going to eat for sure. I can't write too much, because I don't want to violate their privacy and abuse them online. Essentially, it comes down to both of them making me feel rejected and unimportant. That desire to be important and loved by others is one of the strongest forces in my life.
Today I was watching a movie called "Too Good to Be True". Basically it's a thriller about a woman who has two men after her. In my self-centred insanity I found myself desperately wishing I was her, that I had men who loved me that much. I think now that I've lost almost 60lb, boys should be falling all over me. Wny not? because I suck! What's wrong with me that no boys even look at me except for the boyfriend that treats me like crap??? *sighs* What's wrong with me that my own twin sister doesn't answer my SMS? I don't know. Maybe I'm self-centred. I can only pray for that to change. I commit to you guys that I won't eat over this problem, at least not for the next 24 hours.

Mini Big Book.....What the????

I would really love to know if I am the only person in the world that finds it extremely ironic, to the point of being a little bit freaky, that there is a pocket-sized version of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book?

Well there is. And since I'm a big fan of anything portable, I bought one at a meeting I attended recently whilst travelling away from home. And it's been a Godsend! I've been carrying it everywhere with me and reading it on trains, buses and in waiting rooms.I've also been listening to speakers whilst working out, doing housework, and doing pretty much anything else. I've been trying to work the program for an average of 2-3 hours per day. It's a lot, but the speakers help me to do it without losing too much time. And it's definitely worth it. I'm grateful to say that I have been abstinent now since Friday February 8th, despite some quite severe personal problems. As a reward, I've lost more than 1kg since then. I am now 27kg down from my top weight!!! Great news. Keep watching that ticker. Wiht God's help it will continue to move in the right direction.

If I had to sum up what I've been learning with all this program work I've been doing, it's this: that this program must truly have a spiritual basis for us. "Derrrr!" I hear you saying "Doesn't it say over and over again in the program literature that the spiritual is foundational?" Well yes it does, but that doesn't mean I was listening does it?

When we come to OA, we are told immediately that "This is not a diet and calories club or a weight loss program." and that we shouldn't treat it as one. I couldn't understand what they meant. I treated OA as a diet and calories club. Then, my sponsor's constant insistence that OA is not about weight, it's about changing your life, finally sunk in, and I started to examine myself on an emotional level. I thought that by unearthing my emotions, and learning about myself, I could learn how to fix myself. I started treating OA like a therapy program.

Chapter 3 of the AA Big Book, however, blasts the therapy program illusion out of the water, with the same torpedoe that blasts all hope of future physical normalcy out of the water. Here are some of my favourite quotes from that chapter (translated for the compulsive eater):






Parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking compulsive action around food. Our sound reasoing failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out." p 37

"In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to binge or purge, feling ourselves justified...But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a binge was insanely insufficient in light of what always happened." p37


"She made a beginning...All went well for a time, but she failed to enlarge her spiritual life. To her consternation, she found herself stuffing her face again half a dozen times in rapid succession." Chapter 3 p35



"The actual or potential food addict...will be absolutely unable to stop eating compulsively on the basis of self-knowlege."



"The compulsive eater at certain times has no effective mental defence against the first bite....Neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defence. Her defence must come from a higher power. "Chapter 3 p 43

Chapter Four then says:

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma....that's exactly what this book is about. It's main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself...."

For those of you who are interested, my fourth step inventory is also going well, albeit slowly.
See you all again soon.
Love from Foodfairy- Compulsive Overeater, and powerless to manage my own life.

I want abstinence!

Hello Everyone! I’m powerless over food and I cannot manage my own life. How about you?

So...a new post, a new excuse for blog neglect. This time I’ve been tripping from one end of my country to the other, stopping in at home for a night or two to fulfil a local commitment, then setting off again. Travelling can be great fun. But it’s not wonderful for recovery. Not only does it often become difficult to find the time, privacy and internet/phone/meeting facilities for working the program, but there are a lot of triggers for overeating, including stress, change, fatigue, lack of control over what and when you eat, and so on. Overall I saw progress on this trip compared to previous trips in recovery, but failed to maintain abstinence, mainly due to a combination of stress, fatigue and program neglect, as well as just plain self-will.

Early Thursday morning I left home for an 8.5 hour train trip to visit my paternal grandmother in the town where pretty much all of my dad’s family grew up and resided for two or more generations. It’s a country town which gets pretty boring at times so I took a friend along. Being a compulsive people pleaser, living with two people outside of my “inner circle” was slightly stressful. Moreover, food has always been a huge part of my relationship with my grandmother. Just stepping through the door at her house is a trigger for me.

I almost made it through that trip abstinent. I say almost, because on my last full day there I gave in and had “just one” of my grandmother’s home-made sugary treats. I managed to be abstinent after that for about 12 hours...but the obsession that had been triggered was brewing inside me, and eventually broke through the flimsy barrier of my willpower. After everyone had gone to bed I raided the cupboards not once, but twice, and and did not regain abstinence until two days later. However, progress not perfection is my favourite OA slogan. I can definitely say that there was improvement. Apart from the length I held out, I was much firmer with my grandma about my eating requirements, and less worried about putting her out, than I have been in the past

I arrived home at about 9pm on Tuesday the 29th of January, and hurried to prepare a lesson for the next day. I felt very resentful when only 4 people turned up to the free, volunteer English class that I had cut short my time at my grandma’s to eat. After getting home from the lesson I packed my bags for another destination, got to bed around midnight, and woke up at 3:30am the next morning January 31st to head to the airport. My second destination was more than a twelve hour drive from my home, but this time I flew. I went to visit a very dear friend of mine who is now studying there. I got back from that trip at 12:30am of February 6th, snatched a few hours sleep and hurriedly prepared a shambles of a lesson for that afternoon. After getting home on the Wednesday night I collapsed into bed, and I’ve spent the last 2 days recovering.

I started my abstinence again on the morning of the interstate trip. During my time with my friend, I slipped up a teensy bit once or twice. But overall I would say I was abstinent the whole time- eating according to plan without white flour or sugar. That was a definite record for time away from home. However, getting a record for nomadic abstinence made me cocky and wilful, as did the loneliness and depression at saying goodbye to my friend again. By the time I left her I was back in the illness. As I was saying goodbye to my friend all I could think about was how I would soon have the chance to eat without any accountability at the airport. I did overeat in amount at the airport, but I still stayed away from white sugar and white flour. That was definitely my Higher Power not me at work, coz I came awfully close. Unfortunately, even that abstinence broke when I got home. I had two white rolls on arriving home, and the next day I also ate some of my number one binge food: ice cream.

The thing that really ruined my abstinence this second time was the return of self-will and cockiness. I’ve just started my fourth step. (More about that in another post), and one of the targets of resentment I found myself writing down was God (see the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter 5 for more about self will and resentments in the fourth step) . I’m so angry at him for giving me this disease and making me do all this work to overcome it, and for not taking away the cravings, and for everything else that sucks in my life. At the end of the second week away I was so exhausted from maintaining abstinence, so annoyed at all the times I’d felt deprived, that I just said “Hang it all, I deserve this binge”. That’s, of course, a stupid way to think, but we compulsive overeaters are insane after all.

My abstinence started again this Friday. May God help me to maintain it. I’m working my program hard now. I’m sick of breaking abstinence again and again. So many long-timers have years of back-to-back abstinence. I know it’s possible if I just work the steps. I am continuing to work my third and fourth step. More about that later. For now, thanks to all those of you who have bothered to read this far. I hope my story has been of help to you. And thank you to God for the more than a day of abstinence. Please continue to grant me more. I offer myself to you, as your servant creature. Please mould me and remake me so that I might serve you and do your will as you would have me. Amen.

No Hannah no!!!

Ok well today is the 17th of January, which is eight days since my last post. Thats' an improvement. I don't think anyone at all is reading me any more. Maybe I should advertise this blog a bit more.

I went on a binge yesterday, but today has been pretty much abstinenbt, except for eating my midnight snack an hour early. To be honest, I haven't really put together 2 days B2B abstinence since the big binge of Tuesday night last week. At that time I fell for the lie that I could stop bingeing any time. It's simply not true. The life of the addict is one governed by inertia. When I was learning science in primary school, there was a very snmple definition of inertia:

"Things [read addicts] like to do what they are already doing"
Addicts like to do what they are already doing. That means, if they are bingeing, that's what they want to do and it's very very hard to stop. When you've been abstinent for a period, it get's easier to remain so. If anyone is reading this blog and thinking about bingeing.
DONT DO IT!!!
Employ these guys if you have to!

Although make sure they know what they're doing...or you'll end up with something like what happened to these Aussie Mike Moores (The Chaser Team)

The great news is that for those of us who are COE's, we do have a cheer squad. All our brothers and sisters in recovery are cheering us on. Thank God for them.

Rebel girl!

It's been 9 days since my last post. So that means I'm getting close to keeping my "once a week" commitment.

I'm also going well with getting to face to face meetings. Part of that is due to the fact that there are now people at my local meeting who can offer lifts. Yesterday's meeting was really good. The sharing was very open and honest. Althoguh I feel like I wasn't 100% honest with the others about my struggles. I felt like I wanted to project an image of being more recovered than I am because the newest person there (3 meetings) is leaning on me a bit, and I like giving her advice. I feel like I can give her some advice and help, but that if she sees that I'm weak she won't want to listen to me. However I know that I need to be honest for the sake of both our recoveries, because otherwise she will develop unrealistic expectations and I will deceive myself as well as her. As my sponsor says, honesty is crucial to recovery.

It annoys me when people act like the online program isn't the "real" OA program. It's a breach of the 1st tradition to be so closed-minded to people who practice the program in a different way to you. The Recovery Group, and this blog are both governed by the 12 traditions and are based around the use of the twelve steps to stop eating compulsively, which therefore makes the online communities and tools perfectly valid parts of the OA community through which we can the program.

Weight loss is still going well- I'm down another 1.8kg since I last weighed in (no doubt largely to do with hormones...but lets not look a gift horse in the mouth!). Unfortunately, I decided that the best way to celebrate such a loss was to binge on sugary foods. I've forbidden sugar and refined flour in my food plan. And I managed to stay abstinent for about 6 days straight. Not bad I suppose, but not great. The last 36 hours have, however, been an on and off binge. And it's been a crazy binge too, the kind where you go around the house and seek out whatever's there, even if you don't really like it, just for the sake of stuffing food in your mouth. And it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I wanted to do it anyway. I feel like a rebellious teenager. I can hear myself saying to God "Why do I have to always do what you say? It's not fair. I want to eat these foods and I'm going to. I should be able to. " It's so like an immature and belligerent child. But it does seem unfair to me that I should be asked to trust God with my life when God is the one who gave me this diseas. I mean, at the very least surely he could have prevented it. If he can stop it now, why couldn't he stop it earlier? I know the answer, that the disease is here to teach me something, but I don't like what it's teaching me, that I can't control my life, that I have to submit to God. I wanna be my own boss damn it!!! Grrrr step 3 sucks!!!

Part of the problem is my boyfriend. I don't wanna break up with him, and I think that God might have other ideas. So I really don't wanna submit my life to God as I understand him, because I'm frightened of what that would entail. OUr relationship is very complicated. I just wanna give it a chance to work when he gets back from overseas. Ahhhh complicated

Ok there we go, at least I'm starting to talk about this problem. That's a start. I've been hiding it and unwilling to talk about it for a while. I guess that's what "Acting as if you have the willingness to be willing" means. It means doing what you need to become willing, even if you don't really want to be willing. He he he I reckon this is going round and round in circles a bit.

The evil ship and other reflections

Ok, so it's been more than a week (yet again) since I posted. But with all the hustling, bustling, frantic, frenetic frenzy that is the "Silly Season" I hope I can be forgiven. Of course, one thing this past month has taught me is that there should be no excuses in this program. The first part of my conference, I was abstinent, because I made a massive effort to continue to work the program. When things got more hectic towards the end of the conference, I let my program slip, and my abstinence went with it. This Christmas/New Year, my only abstinent days have been ones where I made an effort to keep in touch with the program. The rest of the time I made excuses for not working the program, but these excuses were really a cover up for a lack of willingness to be abstinent. As it turned out, I was definitely not abstinent over the Christmas, New Year period, because I didn't want to be. I'm still far too attached to the notion that I deserve those little "breaks' when I can once again feel that sweet sensation of sugar flowing through my veins. At the moment, I am praying very hard for willingness. This is the most important thing for me at this stage of the program.

Recently on the train, I was reading the Brown Book and I found this quote:

"Off in the distance stands that chocolate ship of mine. I do not have to go back to it UNLESS I CHOOSE to. Thank God, today I HAVE A CHOICE." (emphasis mine) If I have a choice there are no excuses, only the need for willingness.




The section I was reading was Chapter 20: Sink The Lollipop and I scribbled some reflections down on note paper. It is my policy to dispose of such incriminating documents at the first opportunity for the sake of privacy (I had a bad experience once when I left behind my diary at work and my boss found it) but I would also like to keep what I wrote. So I've decided that the best thing to do is to type them up here, that way I'm using the writing and service tools at the same time (I'm so efficient!)

"Within the huge body was an emotionally contorted child"

I hide behind my huge body. It's a storehouse for all the bad parts of myself, a storehouse with the advantage of making its contents appear transitory. "A simple diet could fix this body of mine, and along with it all the evil that it contains," I persist in telling myself.


The phrase "emotionally contorted" describes me to a T. I am immature in so many ways and my emotions are contorted in several senses. They are contorted in the sense of being tangled and confused. I have no idea where one emotion starts and the other begins. They are contorted because they are in the sort of painful, unnatural, unhealthy and ugly state that one sees at circus sideshows. They are contorted in the sense that they are stretched and squeezed, far beyond the point where they can remain stable.


My immaturity comes through in the way I see and understand the world. I am self-centred and I make mountains out of molehils. I fail to regulate myself- I don't have the emotional executive functions that other adults have. This means I can neither examine my emotions critically and objectively, nor control and bend them to my will. So instead, like all children do, I live in a fantasy world.


"I expected people to look after me"

Like other immature people, I take a follower role. I cannot be captain of my own ship because I am unable to face the idea of taking responsibility for dealing with crises. I expect others to fix the world around me. I sometimes encourage or assist their efforts. But as for getting up from the sidelines and taking centre stage in my own life, I don't think so. Instead, I prefer to criticise and rage against those who do make an effort, especially when those efforts don't meet my expectations. My expectations are rather simple, I think, they are that other people will meet my standards and fulfill my needs. This is an incredibly selfish and self-centred attitude and I pray that God will relieve me of it as soon as possible.



"...candy...eliminated the need to make decisions."


This desire to avoid decision-making is a MAJOR factor in my bingeing. Decision-making is a difficult and terrifying prospect for me. Bingeing makes me feel free of this great burden. At the most superficial level, it lets me avoid decisions about portion sizes, budgeting, nutritious foods, eating times etc. etc. Instead of making my own decisions, I let my cravings and instincts and circumstances dictate my behaviour. In seeking freedom I beocme inslaved to that which harms on a deeper level, because it enables me to put off bigger decisions in my life until its too late. Eating shields me from decision-making because it lets me live in the future. I simply put off whatever distresses or confuses me until I've finished eating, or until I've lost weight. Yet the idyllic future I'm living in doesn't exist, instead, I can look forward to a ruined future, with life passing me by due to my failure to make decisions. Perhaps one of the reasons I find deicsion-making difficult is because I cannot trust myself to make the right decision. Perhaps it is also difficult because it always involves internal struggle: struggle with one's desires, struggle with one's reason, struggle with the competing options. I don't want to struggle. I want ot surrender. But food is a ruthless overlord. I must find something else to surrender to. That's why I need a Higher Power.


"I ate because I was sick, and I was sick because I ate."

This cycle applies to my disease at all three levels: spiritual, emotional and physical. Physically, when I am unwell for any reason I use it as an excuse to binge. Yet bingeing only fills my body with junk, which suppresses my immune system, tires out my digestive system, imbalances my energy production mechanisms, and poisons me. This, in turn, leads to lethargy, prolonged infection, irritation, allergies, and general poor health. This poor health then makes me bored, depressed, scared and angry at God. So I eat more, and the cycle starts again. Emotionally, it is a similar and related story. Not only do the physical imbalances negatively impact on my emotions, but weight guilt, and low self-esteem come with bingeing are also direct results of bingeing. And Spiritually, guilt and anger are major blocks to my relations with my Higher Power.





Looking at all these reflections, it's easy to see how evil the "chocolate ship" is. It is the true "ship of fools", the doomed vessel. Yet if I have a choice to be on it or not, why do I keep making the wrong decision? Why am I not fleeing it without a backward glance? God please grant me willingness