Rebel girl!

It's been 9 days since my last post. So that means I'm getting close to keeping my "once a week" commitment.

I'm also going well with getting to face to face meetings. Part of that is due to the fact that there are now people at my local meeting who can offer lifts. Yesterday's meeting was really good. The sharing was very open and honest. Althoguh I feel like I wasn't 100% honest with the others about my struggles. I felt like I wanted to project an image of being more recovered than I am because the newest person there (3 meetings) is leaning on me a bit, and I like giving her advice. I feel like I can give her some advice and help, but that if she sees that I'm weak she won't want to listen to me. However I know that I need to be honest for the sake of both our recoveries, because otherwise she will develop unrealistic expectations and I will deceive myself as well as her. As my sponsor says, honesty is crucial to recovery.

It annoys me when people act like the online program isn't the "real" OA program. It's a breach of the 1st tradition to be so closed-minded to people who practice the program in a different way to you. The Recovery Group, and this blog are both governed by the 12 traditions and are based around the use of the twelve steps to stop eating compulsively, which therefore makes the online communities and tools perfectly valid parts of the OA community through which we can the program.

Weight loss is still going well- I'm down another 1.8kg since I last weighed in (no doubt largely to do with hormones...but lets not look a gift horse in the mouth!). Unfortunately, I decided that the best way to celebrate such a loss was to binge on sugary foods. I've forbidden sugar and refined flour in my food plan. And I managed to stay abstinent for about 6 days straight. Not bad I suppose, but not great. The last 36 hours have, however, been an on and off binge. And it's been a crazy binge too, the kind where you go around the house and seek out whatever's there, even if you don't really like it, just for the sake of stuffing food in your mouth. And it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I wanted to do it anyway. I feel like a rebellious teenager. I can hear myself saying to God "Why do I have to always do what you say? It's not fair. I want to eat these foods and I'm going to. I should be able to. " It's so like an immature and belligerent child. But it does seem unfair to me that I should be asked to trust God with my life when God is the one who gave me this diseas. I mean, at the very least surely he could have prevented it. If he can stop it now, why couldn't he stop it earlier? I know the answer, that the disease is here to teach me something, but I don't like what it's teaching me, that I can't control my life, that I have to submit to God. I wanna be my own boss damn it!!! Grrrr step 3 sucks!!!

Part of the problem is my boyfriend. I don't wanna break up with him, and I think that God might have other ideas. So I really don't wanna submit my life to God as I understand him, because I'm frightened of what that would entail. OUr relationship is very complicated. I just wanna give it a chance to work when he gets back from overseas. Ahhhh complicated

Ok there we go, at least I'm starting to talk about this problem. That's a start. I've been hiding it and unwilling to talk about it for a while. I guess that's what "Acting as if you have the willingness to be willing" means. It means doing what you need to become willing, even if you don't really want to be willing. He he he I reckon this is going round and round in circles a bit.