No Hannah no!!!

Ok well today is the 17th of January, which is eight days since my last post. Thats' an improvement. I don't think anyone at all is reading me any more. Maybe I should advertise this blog a bit more.

I went on a binge yesterday, but today has been pretty much abstinenbt, except for eating my midnight snack an hour early. To be honest, I haven't really put together 2 days B2B abstinence since the big binge of Tuesday night last week. At that time I fell for the lie that I could stop bingeing any time. It's simply not true. The life of the addict is one governed by inertia. When I was learning science in primary school, there was a very snmple definition of inertia:

"Things [read addicts] like to do what they are already doing"
Addicts like to do what they are already doing. That means, if they are bingeing, that's what they want to do and it's very very hard to stop. When you've been abstinent for a period, it get's easier to remain so. If anyone is reading this blog and thinking about bingeing.
DONT DO IT!!!
Employ these guys if you have to!

Although make sure they know what they're doing...or you'll end up with something like what happened to these Aussie Mike Moores (The Chaser Team)

The great news is that for those of us who are COE's, we do have a cheer squad. All our brothers and sisters in recovery are cheering us on. Thank God for them.

Rebel girl!

It's been 9 days since my last post. So that means I'm getting close to keeping my "once a week" commitment.

I'm also going well with getting to face to face meetings. Part of that is due to the fact that there are now people at my local meeting who can offer lifts. Yesterday's meeting was really good. The sharing was very open and honest. Althoguh I feel like I wasn't 100% honest with the others about my struggles. I felt like I wanted to project an image of being more recovered than I am because the newest person there (3 meetings) is leaning on me a bit, and I like giving her advice. I feel like I can give her some advice and help, but that if she sees that I'm weak she won't want to listen to me. However I know that I need to be honest for the sake of both our recoveries, because otherwise she will develop unrealistic expectations and I will deceive myself as well as her. As my sponsor says, honesty is crucial to recovery.

It annoys me when people act like the online program isn't the "real" OA program. It's a breach of the 1st tradition to be so closed-minded to people who practice the program in a different way to you. The Recovery Group, and this blog are both governed by the 12 traditions and are based around the use of the twelve steps to stop eating compulsively, which therefore makes the online communities and tools perfectly valid parts of the OA community through which we can the program.

Weight loss is still going well- I'm down another 1.8kg since I last weighed in (no doubt largely to do with hormones...but lets not look a gift horse in the mouth!). Unfortunately, I decided that the best way to celebrate such a loss was to binge on sugary foods. I've forbidden sugar and refined flour in my food plan. And I managed to stay abstinent for about 6 days straight. Not bad I suppose, but not great. The last 36 hours have, however, been an on and off binge. And it's been a crazy binge too, the kind where you go around the house and seek out whatever's there, even if you don't really like it, just for the sake of stuffing food in your mouth. And it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I wanted to do it anyway. I feel like a rebellious teenager. I can hear myself saying to God "Why do I have to always do what you say? It's not fair. I want to eat these foods and I'm going to. I should be able to. " It's so like an immature and belligerent child. But it does seem unfair to me that I should be asked to trust God with my life when God is the one who gave me this diseas. I mean, at the very least surely he could have prevented it. If he can stop it now, why couldn't he stop it earlier? I know the answer, that the disease is here to teach me something, but I don't like what it's teaching me, that I can't control my life, that I have to submit to God. I wanna be my own boss damn it!!! Grrrr step 3 sucks!!!

Part of the problem is my boyfriend. I don't wanna break up with him, and I think that God might have other ideas. So I really don't wanna submit my life to God as I understand him, because I'm frightened of what that would entail. OUr relationship is very complicated. I just wanna give it a chance to work when he gets back from overseas. Ahhhh complicated

Ok there we go, at least I'm starting to talk about this problem. That's a start. I've been hiding it and unwilling to talk about it for a while. I guess that's what "Acting as if you have the willingness to be willing" means. It means doing what you need to become willing, even if you don't really want to be willing. He he he I reckon this is going round and round in circles a bit.

The evil ship and other reflections

Ok, so it's been more than a week (yet again) since I posted. But with all the hustling, bustling, frantic, frenetic frenzy that is the "Silly Season" I hope I can be forgiven. Of course, one thing this past month has taught me is that there should be no excuses in this program. The first part of my conference, I was abstinent, because I made a massive effort to continue to work the program. When things got more hectic towards the end of the conference, I let my program slip, and my abstinence went with it. This Christmas/New Year, my only abstinent days have been ones where I made an effort to keep in touch with the program. The rest of the time I made excuses for not working the program, but these excuses were really a cover up for a lack of willingness to be abstinent. As it turned out, I was definitely not abstinent over the Christmas, New Year period, because I didn't want to be. I'm still far too attached to the notion that I deserve those little "breaks' when I can once again feel that sweet sensation of sugar flowing through my veins. At the moment, I am praying very hard for willingness. This is the most important thing for me at this stage of the program.

Recently on the train, I was reading the Brown Book and I found this quote:

"Off in the distance stands that chocolate ship of mine. I do not have to go back to it UNLESS I CHOOSE to. Thank God, today I HAVE A CHOICE." (emphasis mine) If I have a choice there are no excuses, only the need for willingness.




The section I was reading was Chapter 20: Sink The Lollipop and I scribbled some reflections down on note paper. It is my policy to dispose of such incriminating documents at the first opportunity for the sake of privacy (I had a bad experience once when I left behind my diary at work and my boss found it) but I would also like to keep what I wrote. So I've decided that the best thing to do is to type them up here, that way I'm using the writing and service tools at the same time (I'm so efficient!)

"Within the huge body was an emotionally contorted child"

I hide behind my huge body. It's a storehouse for all the bad parts of myself, a storehouse with the advantage of making its contents appear transitory. "A simple diet could fix this body of mine, and along with it all the evil that it contains," I persist in telling myself.


The phrase "emotionally contorted" describes me to a T. I am immature in so many ways and my emotions are contorted in several senses. They are contorted in the sense of being tangled and confused. I have no idea where one emotion starts and the other begins. They are contorted because they are in the sort of painful, unnatural, unhealthy and ugly state that one sees at circus sideshows. They are contorted in the sense that they are stretched and squeezed, far beyond the point where they can remain stable.


My immaturity comes through in the way I see and understand the world. I am self-centred and I make mountains out of molehils. I fail to regulate myself- I don't have the emotional executive functions that other adults have. This means I can neither examine my emotions critically and objectively, nor control and bend them to my will. So instead, like all children do, I live in a fantasy world.


"I expected people to look after me"

Like other immature people, I take a follower role. I cannot be captain of my own ship because I am unable to face the idea of taking responsibility for dealing with crises. I expect others to fix the world around me. I sometimes encourage or assist their efforts. But as for getting up from the sidelines and taking centre stage in my own life, I don't think so. Instead, I prefer to criticise and rage against those who do make an effort, especially when those efforts don't meet my expectations. My expectations are rather simple, I think, they are that other people will meet my standards and fulfill my needs. This is an incredibly selfish and self-centred attitude and I pray that God will relieve me of it as soon as possible.



"...candy...eliminated the need to make decisions."


This desire to avoid decision-making is a MAJOR factor in my bingeing. Decision-making is a difficult and terrifying prospect for me. Bingeing makes me feel free of this great burden. At the most superficial level, it lets me avoid decisions about portion sizes, budgeting, nutritious foods, eating times etc. etc. Instead of making my own decisions, I let my cravings and instincts and circumstances dictate my behaviour. In seeking freedom I beocme inslaved to that which harms on a deeper level, because it enables me to put off bigger decisions in my life until its too late. Eating shields me from decision-making because it lets me live in the future. I simply put off whatever distresses or confuses me until I've finished eating, or until I've lost weight. Yet the idyllic future I'm living in doesn't exist, instead, I can look forward to a ruined future, with life passing me by due to my failure to make decisions. Perhaps one of the reasons I find deicsion-making difficult is because I cannot trust myself to make the right decision. Perhaps it is also difficult because it always involves internal struggle: struggle with one's desires, struggle with one's reason, struggle with the competing options. I don't want to struggle. I want ot surrender. But food is a ruthless overlord. I must find something else to surrender to. That's why I need a Higher Power.


"I ate because I was sick, and I was sick because I ate."

This cycle applies to my disease at all three levels: spiritual, emotional and physical. Physically, when I am unwell for any reason I use it as an excuse to binge. Yet bingeing only fills my body with junk, which suppresses my immune system, tires out my digestive system, imbalances my energy production mechanisms, and poisons me. This, in turn, leads to lethargy, prolonged infection, irritation, allergies, and general poor health. This poor health then makes me bored, depressed, scared and angry at God. So I eat more, and the cycle starts again. Emotionally, it is a similar and related story. Not only do the physical imbalances negatively impact on my emotions, but weight guilt, and low self-esteem come with bingeing are also direct results of bingeing. And Spiritually, guilt and anger are major blocks to my relations with my Higher Power.





Looking at all these reflections, it's easy to see how evil the "chocolate ship" is. It is the true "ship of fools", the doomed vessel. Yet if I have a choice to be on it or not, why do I keep making the wrong decision? Why am I not fleeing it without a backward glance? God please grant me willingness

Progress not Perfection

Ok so it has been a fair bit longer than a week since I committed to writing once a week, but at least it hasn't been a month or anything. That's progress. If there's one thing I've learned from this program it's to focus on progress and not perfection. I am the world's worst perfectionist (ok that's a bit of an arrogant claim, perhaps there are others out there who are worse perfectionists than me....nah....impossible)

Trip Away:

Trip away started out very well, and overall I can say that I noticed definite progress, both in comparison to my last few trips away (both pre-program and during recovery) and in my program overall. I managed to stick to my plan for more than half of the conference, which is a huge improvement. I also took a lot of steps to work my program while I was away that I would have thought unthinkable just a month or two ago. Perhaps the most striking were, finding the catering staff at the conference, telling them I had an "eating disorder" and asking them to give me the menu plan for the next few days, and going to a lot of trouble to track down adn attend a face to face meeting in the city where the conference was held.

But towards the end I found myself in a H A L T position (that is I was often hungry due to poor meal routines, I was angry at the people around me coz I'd been with them too long, I was lonely because a lot of people at the conference knew each other better than I did and because I'd met up wtih an old friend at the first half of the conference and then had to say goodbye to her all over again, and I was absolutely and completely dog tired) so things went downhill. This downhill stretch continue until my meeting this Tuesday, and I'm only just getting back on track now. Still, the sorts of "downhill stretches" I'm having these days are not nearly as bad or as long as they used to be, and getting so far through the conference was an achievement.

I'm really learning not to beat myself up these days aren' t I? It's nice... this serenity.

Upcoming:
Well we all know what's coming up...or what's upon us in fact: it's that diet-deadly season of Christmas and New Years. I go away to my grandmother's for a week starting on the 22nd of December. Between now and then I have at least one Christmas party, perhaps two. I am trying to remain abstinent at least until I arrive at my grandma's house. After I get to my grandma's house the odds of me staying abstinent are slim...but that's tomorrow's worry and this program is all about living "One Day at a Time". I will work on having plenty of non-food activities at my Christmas party on Wednesday, and focus on offering the food-plan acceptable Christmas treats I do like (fruit, cold ham, baked vegetables) and the unhealthy ones I don't like (anythign containing raisins/currants/sultanas, pudding, fruit mince pies). Anyway hope to update you guys soon (ok well nobody is reading me anymore, but hey, a girl can pretend) See you all later

Conference eating

Hello everybody. Yes I know I haven't been around much lately. I am such a procrastinator. I commit to you guys I will write in my blog once a week from now on, even if it's just one line.

I also wanna publicly commit to the following goals. I am going away on a conference for 8 days. The conference is catered. Every time I've been on this (annual) conference before I've put on like 1-2kg in 8 days! This sort of thing is a major trigger for me. I'm really nervous. I've taken the following steps:
1. Start each day with program for 5 minutes
2. Tell billet family I can't have added sugar
3. Follow these rules for my eating:
-Eat only 3 times a day
*If I can't sleep so that I"m up past midnight one glass of milk or piece of fruit is ok
-At each meal eat only what I can put on one plate (that means only one course, no seconds, and no loading up two plates at once at the buffet)
-No added sugar. (that means no biscuits, no cake, no chocolate, no ice cream. It also means sweetener in coffee etc.)
-Go to at least one meeting in the area where i'll be staying.

God help me!

Check it out!!!

Hi all, It's exam time here in Oz so i'm just a teeny bit busy. But I HAVE to post these pictures here. I'll do some more OA and step-related posts later. How slim do i look?!!!....he he he i am buying clothes at ordinary shops...I can go in and find someting to fit!!!

I write too much!!!

I’m too sexy for this bandage!
Yes I’m still wearing bandages on my hand and my ankle. I’ve looked into elasticated braces but they cost $AU30-$70 each. I am walking again now, with difficulty, but with two feet nonetheless, and I am gradually getting more movement and less pain. It will be at least 3 more weeks, probably four, before I’m back to normal there. As for my wrist, it’s getting better, but because I can’t walk I want to sit around and do a lot of typing, which is, of course not good. The bandage is a little embarrassing, but nowhere near as bad as the crutches. My mother is also improving. For the first few days after she broke her ribs she couldn’t even go to the toilet on her own because it was too painful for her to get up and down off the seat. Now, although she is still on pain killers and can’t bend over or reach up high, she’s managing do get around the house and do most things herself.

I am really starting to reap the physical results of weight loss these days. Just before my bike accident i went to the shop and bought a navy blue sports track suit that looked like something Gabrielle Solice would wear out exercising. I no longer had to search for the large sizes, and it looked so slim on me. And here is the amazing part: I took a size L off the rack (not a size XL like before) and I had to change if for a size M!!!!! (Ok so it was very stretchy material and it’s a little tight, but I’m still wearing an M!!) I was over the moon!!! I walked straight up to the shop assistant and said “Excuse me, I would just like to inform you that I have lost 20kg and am buying a size M.” I don’t know whether she thought I was a complete nutcase, but she was polite and congratulatory to my face, and I was just so happy.

Another benefit is that I am getting just a little more attention from boys. I am 22 years old and I have never had a guy so much as hit on me at a bar, let alone ask me on a date. Well that’s not strictly true, a guy in high school asked me out...as a joke. Twice in the past few weeks, however, I have had stupid teenage boys call out to me “you’re hot” or “you’re sexy” as I was out riding/walking. Better yet, the other day I got on the bus, and two boys were on the bus with me. The bus driver told me he thought my hair was better blonde (he knows me) and one of these (male) total strangers piped up and said “it looks ok to me.” Moreover, even though he had a book to read, he made an effort to talk to me, ask me my name, and spend the 30 minute trip chatting to me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it...and I know I have serious problems with depending on boys approval for my self esteem, but it really was the highlight of my week!!!!

Progress but not perfection:
My program is plodding along slowly, 2 steps forward, and one step back, but I can’t complain:

I’m still not putting together days and days of back to back abstinence. But I’ve read in the OA Brown Book that perfect abstinence is uncommon among compulsive eaters. I”m getting a clearer idea of what actually constitutes abstinence. I’ve realised it’s not so much about what I’m eating as why. If I were marooned on a desert island with a broken back with only chocolate to eat, then abstinence would be sitting around eating chocolate all day. But if I go to a buffet and load my plate sky high with meat and vegetables because I’m nervous about being around other people or I just can’t bear to not to have “all you can eat”, then I am not being abstinent. Moreover, these two scenarios are not “either/or” but ends of a continuum. Recently I’ve been moving further towards the abstinence end of that continuum, but I am far from what I would like to be. I long ago stopped my abstinence count. It just makes me anxious and competitive. I feel I have to focus on perfection and not progress, and can no longer live one day at a time.

Perhaps the worst breach of abstinence recently was when I was at a low point from being stuck in the house for two weeks. I was angry with my HP and isolated from others so I went on a binge shop. I haven’t done that in a long time. I bought a massive box of Ferrero Rocher chocolate, 2 packs of fun size cadbury chocolates, 2 litres of ice cream, a packet of choc chip cookies, nutella spread and crumpets (perhaps a bit more, I can’t remember) I planned (unrealistically of course) to eat all this in one night and then go back to abstinence the next day. Once upon a time I would have begun bingeing as soon as I got home, soon got sick of the chocolate, but continued to eat it on and off for the rest of the night until I was feeling a little queasy. Then, since I couldn’t possibly eat all of what I’d bought in one night, I would have let my binge go on into the next day, and then, since I had started that day badly, allow the whole day to be written off, maybe even go buy some more binge food and start the cycle again. This time, however, I realised I wasn’t enjoying it and I shouldn’t be eating it. I kept eating for a little while, but stopped, and before the night was over I threw out all the leftovers (half the Ferrero Rochers, most of the cadbury, the nutella, and ¾ of hte cookies. Admittedly I didn’t throw out the ice cream, but finished all of that off that night. Then I went back to abstinence. I even had less guilt and anxiety after my binge (certainly I wasn’t anxiety free, but I wasn’t shattered. If I had an abstinence count it owuld have made things worse because I would have had to start counting again. ). Now because I was able to limit the size of my bine and go straight back to abstinence it really hasn’t become a big deal.

I’ve continued to lose weight, mcuh more slowly, but that’s not at all surprising. The great news on that front is that my BMI has crossed that wonderful line so that it now starts with a 2 instead of a 3, meaning I am no longer be obese!!!!! Thank God for my fellow compulsive eaters, the only people who can understand what an achievement that is. I haven’t been overweight since I was about 12 or 13 years old. When I cam to OA I was severely obese, and only a few weeks of bingeing away from being morbidly obese. I did a bit of digging and I found out that the BMI labels for the various weight levels are as follows:
25-29.9="overweight"

30-34.9=" obese"

35-39.9=" severely obese

40+= morbidly obese

Ok well that’s enough time spent on this blog. As a perfectionist I always want to write everything every time I post, whereas it would be much better if I posted regularly in small amounts. But that’s life.

Bye from Foodfairy (a compulsive eater and food addict)