The evil ship and other reflections

Ok, so it's been more than a week (yet again) since I posted. But with all the hustling, bustling, frantic, frenetic frenzy that is the "Silly Season" I hope I can be forgiven. Of course, one thing this past month has taught me is that there should be no excuses in this program. The first part of my conference, I was abstinent, because I made a massive effort to continue to work the program. When things got more hectic towards the end of the conference, I let my program slip, and my abstinence went with it. This Christmas/New Year, my only abstinent days have been ones where I made an effort to keep in touch with the program. The rest of the time I made excuses for not working the program, but these excuses were really a cover up for a lack of willingness to be abstinent. As it turned out, I was definitely not abstinent over the Christmas, New Year period, because I didn't want to be. I'm still far too attached to the notion that I deserve those little "breaks' when I can once again feel that sweet sensation of sugar flowing through my veins. At the moment, I am praying very hard for willingness. This is the most important thing for me at this stage of the program.

Recently on the train, I was reading the Brown Book and I found this quote:

"Off in the distance stands that chocolate ship of mine. I do not have to go back to it UNLESS I CHOOSE to. Thank God, today I HAVE A CHOICE." (emphasis mine) If I have a choice there are no excuses, only the need for willingness.




The section I was reading was Chapter 20: Sink The Lollipop and I scribbled some reflections down on note paper. It is my policy to dispose of such incriminating documents at the first opportunity for the sake of privacy (I had a bad experience once when I left behind my diary at work and my boss found it) but I would also like to keep what I wrote. So I've decided that the best thing to do is to type them up here, that way I'm using the writing and service tools at the same time (I'm so efficient!)

"Within the huge body was an emotionally contorted child"

I hide behind my huge body. It's a storehouse for all the bad parts of myself, a storehouse with the advantage of making its contents appear transitory. "A simple diet could fix this body of mine, and along with it all the evil that it contains," I persist in telling myself.


The phrase "emotionally contorted" describes me to a T. I am immature in so many ways and my emotions are contorted in several senses. They are contorted in the sense of being tangled and confused. I have no idea where one emotion starts and the other begins. They are contorted because they are in the sort of painful, unnatural, unhealthy and ugly state that one sees at circus sideshows. They are contorted in the sense that they are stretched and squeezed, far beyond the point where they can remain stable.


My immaturity comes through in the way I see and understand the world. I am self-centred and I make mountains out of molehils. I fail to regulate myself- I don't have the emotional executive functions that other adults have. This means I can neither examine my emotions critically and objectively, nor control and bend them to my will. So instead, like all children do, I live in a fantasy world.


"I expected people to look after me"

Like other immature people, I take a follower role. I cannot be captain of my own ship because I am unable to face the idea of taking responsibility for dealing with crises. I expect others to fix the world around me. I sometimes encourage or assist their efforts. But as for getting up from the sidelines and taking centre stage in my own life, I don't think so. Instead, I prefer to criticise and rage against those who do make an effort, especially when those efforts don't meet my expectations. My expectations are rather simple, I think, they are that other people will meet my standards and fulfill my needs. This is an incredibly selfish and self-centred attitude and I pray that God will relieve me of it as soon as possible.



"...candy...eliminated the need to make decisions."


This desire to avoid decision-making is a MAJOR factor in my bingeing. Decision-making is a difficult and terrifying prospect for me. Bingeing makes me feel free of this great burden. At the most superficial level, it lets me avoid decisions about portion sizes, budgeting, nutritious foods, eating times etc. etc. Instead of making my own decisions, I let my cravings and instincts and circumstances dictate my behaviour. In seeking freedom I beocme inslaved to that which harms on a deeper level, because it enables me to put off bigger decisions in my life until its too late. Eating shields me from decision-making because it lets me live in the future. I simply put off whatever distresses or confuses me until I've finished eating, or until I've lost weight. Yet the idyllic future I'm living in doesn't exist, instead, I can look forward to a ruined future, with life passing me by due to my failure to make decisions. Perhaps one of the reasons I find deicsion-making difficult is because I cannot trust myself to make the right decision. Perhaps it is also difficult because it always involves internal struggle: struggle with one's desires, struggle with one's reason, struggle with the competing options. I don't want to struggle. I want ot surrender. But food is a ruthless overlord. I must find something else to surrender to. That's why I need a Higher Power.


"I ate because I was sick, and I was sick because I ate."

This cycle applies to my disease at all three levels: spiritual, emotional and physical. Physically, when I am unwell for any reason I use it as an excuse to binge. Yet bingeing only fills my body with junk, which suppresses my immune system, tires out my digestive system, imbalances my energy production mechanisms, and poisons me. This, in turn, leads to lethargy, prolonged infection, irritation, allergies, and general poor health. This poor health then makes me bored, depressed, scared and angry at God. So I eat more, and the cycle starts again. Emotionally, it is a similar and related story. Not only do the physical imbalances negatively impact on my emotions, but weight guilt, and low self-esteem come with bingeing are also direct results of bingeing. And Spiritually, guilt and anger are major blocks to my relations with my Higher Power.





Looking at all these reflections, it's easy to see how evil the "chocolate ship" is. It is the true "ship of fools", the doomed vessel. Yet if I have a choice to be on it or not, why do I keep making the wrong decision? Why am I not fleeing it without a backward glance? God please grant me willingness

Progress not Perfection

Ok so it has been a fair bit longer than a week since I committed to writing once a week, but at least it hasn't been a month or anything. That's progress. If there's one thing I've learned from this program it's to focus on progress and not perfection. I am the world's worst perfectionist (ok that's a bit of an arrogant claim, perhaps there are others out there who are worse perfectionists than me....nah....impossible)

Trip Away:

Trip away started out very well, and overall I can say that I noticed definite progress, both in comparison to my last few trips away (both pre-program and during recovery) and in my program overall. I managed to stick to my plan for more than half of the conference, which is a huge improvement. I also took a lot of steps to work my program while I was away that I would have thought unthinkable just a month or two ago. Perhaps the most striking were, finding the catering staff at the conference, telling them I had an "eating disorder" and asking them to give me the menu plan for the next few days, and going to a lot of trouble to track down adn attend a face to face meeting in the city where the conference was held.

But towards the end I found myself in a H A L T position (that is I was often hungry due to poor meal routines, I was angry at the people around me coz I'd been with them too long, I was lonely because a lot of people at the conference knew each other better than I did and because I'd met up wtih an old friend at the first half of the conference and then had to say goodbye to her all over again, and I was absolutely and completely dog tired) so things went downhill. This downhill stretch continue until my meeting this Tuesday, and I'm only just getting back on track now. Still, the sorts of "downhill stretches" I'm having these days are not nearly as bad or as long as they used to be, and getting so far through the conference was an achievement.

I'm really learning not to beat myself up these days aren' t I? It's nice... this serenity.

Upcoming:
Well we all know what's coming up...or what's upon us in fact: it's that diet-deadly season of Christmas and New Years. I go away to my grandmother's for a week starting on the 22nd of December. Between now and then I have at least one Christmas party, perhaps two. I am trying to remain abstinent at least until I arrive at my grandma's house. After I get to my grandma's house the odds of me staying abstinent are slim...but that's tomorrow's worry and this program is all about living "One Day at a Time". I will work on having plenty of non-food activities at my Christmas party on Wednesday, and focus on offering the food-plan acceptable Christmas treats I do like (fruit, cold ham, baked vegetables) and the unhealthy ones I don't like (anythign containing raisins/currants/sultanas, pudding, fruit mince pies). Anyway hope to update you guys soon (ok well nobody is reading me anymore, but hey, a girl can pretend) See you all later

Conference eating

Hello everybody. Yes I know I haven't been around much lately. I am such a procrastinator. I commit to you guys I will write in my blog once a week from now on, even if it's just one line.

I also wanna publicly commit to the following goals. I am going away on a conference for 8 days. The conference is catered. Every time I've been on this (annual) conference before I've put on like 1-2kg in 8 days! This sort of thing is a major trigger for me. I'm really nervous. I've taken the following steps:
1. Start each day with program for 5 minutes
2. Tell billet family I can't have added sugar
3. Follow these rules for my eating:
-Eat only 3 times a day
*If I can't sleep so that I"m up past midnight one glass of milk or piece of fruit is ok
-At each meal eat only what I can put on one plate (that means only one course, no seconds, and no loading up two plates at once at the buffet)
-No added sugar. (that means no biscuits, no cake, no chocolate, no ice cream. It also means sweetener in coffee etc.)
-Go to at least one meeting in the area where i'll be staying.

God help me!

Check it out!!!

Hi all, It's exam time here in Oz so i'm just a teeny bit busy. But I HAVE to post these pictures here. I'll do some more OA and step-related posts later. How slim do i look?!!!....he he he i am buying clothes at ordinary shops...I can go in and find someting to fit!!!

I write too much!!!

I’m too sexy for this bandage!
Yes I’m still wearing bandages on my hand and my ankle. I’ve looked into elasticated braces but they cost $AU30-$70 each. I am walking again now, with difficulty, but with two feet nonetheless, and I am gradually getting more movement and less pain. It will be at least 3 more weeks, probably four, before I’m back to normal there. As for my wrist, it’s getting better, but because I can’t walk I want to sit around and do a lot of typing, which is, of course not good. The bandage is a little embarrassing, but nowhere near as bad as the crutches. My mother is also improving. For the first few days after she broke her ribs she couldn’t even go to the toilet on her own because it was too painful for her to get up and down off the seat. Now, although she is still on pain killers and can’t bend over or reach up high, she’s managing do get around the house and do most things herself.

I am really starting to reap the physical results of weight loss these days. Just before my bike accident i went to the shop and bought a navy blue sports track suit that looked like something Gabrielle Solice would wear out exercising. I no longer had to search for the large sizes, and it looked so slim on me. And here is the amazing part: I took a size L off the rack (not a size XL like before) and I had to change if for a size M!!!!! (Ok so it was very stretchy material and it’s a little tight, but I’m still wearing an M!!) I was over the moon!!! I walked straight up to the shop assistant and said “Excuse me, I would just like to inform you that I have lost 20kg and am buying a size M.” I don’t know whether she thought I was a complete nutcase, but she was polite and congratulatory to my face, and I was just so happy.

Another benefit is that I am getting just a little more attention from boys. I am 22 years old and I have never had a guy so much as hit on me at a bar, let alone ask me on a date. Well that’s not strictly true, a guy in high school asked me out...as a joke. Twice in the past few weeks, however, I have had stupid teenage boys call out to me “you’re hot” or “you’re sexy” as I was out riding/walking. Better yet, the other day I got on the bus, and two boys were on the bus with me. The bus driver told me he thought my hair was better blonde (he knows me) and one of these (male) total strangers piped up and said “it looks ok to me.” Moreover, even though he had a book to read, he made an effort to talk to me, ask me my name, and spend the 30 minute trip chatting to me. Maybe I’m reading too much into it...and I know I have serious problems with depending on boys approval for my self esteem, but it really was the highlight of my week!!!!

Progress but not perfection:
My program is plodding along slowly, 2 steps forward, and one step back, but I can’t complain:

I’m still not putting together days and days of back to back abstinence. But I’ve read in the OA Brown Book that perfect abstinence is uncommon among compulsive eaters. I”m getting a clearer idea of what actually constitutes abstinence. I’ve realised it’s not so much about what I’m eating as why. If I were marooned on a desert island with a broken back with only chocolate to eat, then abstinence would be sitting around eating chocolate all day. But if I go to a buffet and load my plate sky high with meat and vegetables because I’m nervous about being around other people or I just can’t bear to not to have “all you can eat”, then I am not being abstinent. Moreover, these two scenarios are not “either/or” but ends of a continuum. Recently I’ve been moving further towards the abstinence end of that continuum, but I am far from what I would like to be. I long ago stopped my abstinence count. It just makes me anxious and competitive. I feel I have to focus on perfection and not progress, and can no longer live one day at a time.

Perhaps the worst breach of abstinence recently was when I was at a low point from being stuck in the house for two weeks. I was angry with my HP and isolated from others so I went on a binge shop. I haven’t done that in a long time. I bought a massive box of Ferrero Rocher chocolate, 2 packs of fun size cadbury chocolates, 2 litres of ice cream, a packet of choc chip cookies, nutella spread and crumpets (perhaps a bit more, I can’t remember) I planned (unrealistically of course) to eat all this in one night and then go back to abstinence the next day. Once upon a time I would have begun bingeing as soon as I got home, soon got sick of the chocolate, but continued to eat it on and off for the rest of the night until I was feeling a little queasy. Then, since I couldn’t possibly eat all of what I’d bought in one night, I would have let my binge go on into the next day, and then, since I had started that day badly, allow the whole day to be written off, maybe even go buy some more binge food and start the cycle again. This time, however, I realised I wasn’t enjoying it and I shouldn’t be eating it. I kept eating for a little while, but stopped, and before the night was over I threw out all the leftovers (half the Ferrero Rochers, most of the cadbury, the nutella, and ¾ of hte cookies. Admittedly I didn’t throw out the ice cream, but finished all of that off that night. Then I went back to abstinence. I even had less guilt and anxiety after my binge (certainly I wasn’t anxiety free, but I wasn’t shattered. If I had an abstinence count it owuld have made things worse because I would have had to start counting again. ). Now because I was able to limit the size of my bine and go straight back to abstinence it really hasn’t become a big deal.

I’ve continued to lose weight, mcuh more slowly, but that’s not at all surprising. The great news on that front is that my BMI has crossed that wonderful line so that it now starts with a 2 instead of a 3, meaning I am no longer be obese!!!!! Thank God for my fellow compulsive eaters, the only people who can understand what an achievement that is. I haven’t been overweight since I was about 12 or 13 years old. When I cam to OA I was severely obese, and only a few weeks of bingeing away from being morbidly obese. I did a bit of digging and I found out that the BMI labels for the various weight levels are as follows:
25-29.9="overweight"

30-34.9=" obese"

35-39.9=" severely obese

40+= morbidly obese

Ok well that’s enough time spent on this blog. As a perfectionist I always want to write everything every time I post, whereas it would be much better if I posted regularly in small amounts. But that’s life.

Bye from Foodfairy (a compulsive eater and food addict)

Still here...well half of me is

Yes I'm still here everybody. I know I haven't posted for a couple of weeks. There are lots of reasons. One being that I'd forgotten just how much time and effort is involved in keeping up with some of The Recovery Group mailing lists. I mean some of them generate less email than others, but I joined a new one recently and it generates like 20 emails a day. I need to work out how to change my subscription on that loop to a daily digest subscription. I love these loops and they are the core of my recovery. I always prioritise keeping up with loop email before other recovery activities. Perhaps it's not the best program, but it's working ok so far. I've lost 20kg so I can't complain.

The Worst Luck In History (well almost):
Ok so another reason I've been away is that I've had an incredible string of bad luck.
1. First off, I got a bad cold/flu off my mum.

(She's a casual teacher in primary schools around the district so she's got a different bunch of 30 kids every day to catch nasty bugs off.) That took me two weeks to get over properly. After I got better my parents (whom I live with) went away for a week and left me in charge of the house. I had about a week of good health and then....
...Near the end of my week in charge of the house. I was riding from the university to the local train station (doing my exercise like a good girl) and
2. I crashed my bike. If I had simply damaged the bike this would have been inconvenient, since I was at least 15km from home and in a rather deserted place. Fortunately, my bike was not damaged. However I was not so lucky

3. When I got up, my left hand was bruised and grazed where I had used it to break my fall, and my left foot was letting me know that it did not appreciate being squashed under my fat bum and my bike at the same time. It felt like it had been fractured or sprained, and I didn't think I'd be able to walk back to the campus on it. Two not-too-harsh-on-the-eye medical students were driving past and stopped to help me.

4.But I was too focussed on my injuries to make a play for my eligible rescuers. They locked my bike up to a nearby fence, while I took out my mobile phone, wondering who to call. Unbelievably...

5. My mobile phone battery was flat! Of all the times to be flat!! I was pretty annoyed. This meant, of course, that not only could I not call anyone from the crash site, but I couldn't call anyone whose number was stored in the mobile phone and not my head. When the medical students offered me a lift back to campus I thought that if I could get to the Chaplain's office I might be able to get some help.It was about 4:45, and there are sometimes people there until all hours. I thought that there would probably be at least one person there whom I knew, and they would be able to look up some friends on their database and get me some help to get home. I hobbled/hopped the 200 metres or so from teh nearest parking spot to the Chaplain's office only to find that in keeping with the way my day was going....

6. There was no one at the Chaplain's office. Breathe deeply...! I sank into a nearby chair. In my head I went through the numbers I knew off by heart...my parents (both 1000km away), my home (no one there) the university switchboard...Ah yes, my sister works on campus as a trainee receptionist...if I could call the switchboard they could put me through to her. Only problem is that my sister is not the sort of person whom you call for help unless you are desperate. But I had no choice. I couldn't face moving again, so I hailed someone walking by and asked to use their mobile phone.

7.The reply came back "Sorry, I don't have any credit in my phone"! With no alternative I made my way to the nearest payphone by hopping, thereby doing my best impression of a flee-bitten amputee on speed. I did finally get through to my sister's office. Too bad that

8. on Wednesdays she does a technical college course and doesn't go to work. I'd forgotten that...and I'd forgotten her mobile number since she'd changed it recently. Resisting the urge to smash the phone to smithereens, I decided to call my parents and ask them what my sister's new mobile number was. I started with my mother's phone.

9. My mother's phone wasn't answering. So I called my father's phone

10. My father's phone wasn't answering. My parents are always pulling that trick, they're just so technologically backward that the idea of being available via mobile phone just doesn't seem to be a part of their paradigm. My next move was to hop/hobble down to university security. There they were able to put ice on my ankle and charge my phone up enough to get my sister's number out. I had hoped that she would be able to simply take me with her on her way home, but

11.My sister was already at home. This meant she had to drive all the way from my suburb to the uni and back again. She and her brother in law did do it, because they realised I was in a bind and couldn't get around it. They arrived ready to take me home, but I asked them to help me secure my bike. At first I hoped that, with the quick release front wheel removed, it would fit in their car

12. It wouldn't fit in my sister's car. So I had no way of getting it home. I asked my brother-in-law to ride it over to the campus, where I would be able to put it in a safe place.

13. My brother-in-law was wearing thongs (US english= flip flops) so he couldn't ride. I was very reluctant to leave it there, in the open, but I had no choice. We took off the front wheel so that people would be discouraged from breaking the lock and taking the bike. I just had to hope it wouldn't rain. My sister and her husband drove me to the medical centre in my suburb. Now these places are good because they offer free medical care after office hours, but on a weeknight you have to wait FOREVER. But I wanted to get my foot looked at asap. I knew I needed to see a doctor and get an x-ray. Unfortunately, by the time we got there it was about 6pm

14. The x-ray machine closes at 5:30pm!! So I had no choice but to come back the next day! I asked my sister to take me round to the pharmacy to hire some crutches so I could get around until then, but my sister, being my sister, refused. So there I was at home, alone, unable to walk

15. It did rain that night on my lovely bike. My sister didn't offer to help me get to the medical centre in the morning. I woke up early and booked myself a taxi there. I hadn't slept much the night before, and it took me longer than usual to get ready on account of my inability to walk. So, of course, I was rushing to get the taxi on time. When I've had little sleep and I'm in a hurry, I always forget something...


16. I left the housekeys inside! I was locked out! My parents weren't getting home until 8pm that night so I had 12 hours to wait and it was cold and raining and I had nowhere to sit. I managed to find somewhere safe and dry to wait, but the problem was

17.I had left all the housework till the last minute. Being locked out, I couldn't do it. So now the house was a total shambles. My parents were furious when they got home. But they were more forgiving when I explained everything that had happened. The next day they took me to get my bike. THe bike hadn't been stolen but

18. Somebody stole the seat off the bike!!! I mean can you believe it? Is nothing safe unless it's nailed to the ground?

My ankle wasn't broken, just sprained. I'm still not walking on it.

19. However, my wrist turned out to be quite damaged as well, so now I have bandages on my left wrist and my left foot! Now this has turned out to be an even bigger problem than you might expect, because another disaster happened this Wednesday

20.My mum fell over and broke her ribs. She's in heaps of pain and can hardly do anything. I'm doing what I can around the place, but I'm limited. My dad has had to take time off work to care for us.

So as things stand, my wrist and ankle are feeling better, but I'm still not walking. I'll let you know when I am

Return of the Jelly-belly:
Hello everybody. Yes I’m back. I know it’s been a looooooooong time. But I sort of relapsed/went into a depressed period and I’ve been hiding from everything to do with OA. I was having some troubles with uni stuff and things went downhill from there. I know that hiding from the cure and isolating oneself is not the most sensible solution when life gets out of control, but who said that COE’s were sensible?

I’ve been coming back to the program in stages., starting with just trying to keep in regular contact with my sponsor. It’s so easy for me to take on too much and then give up. But this blog really has to be an important part of my program. It’s where I use the writing tool. Being an incorrigible approval-seeking, people-pleaser the idea of other people reading this gives me the incentive to write that an ordinary journal wouldn’t.

Thank you and big hugs to all who expressed concern for me while I was away.

Where it’s at now:
In terms of my program. I’m still on step 2, but I’m seeing some progress there. I’m praying more and I’m also starting to honestly face up to some of the big spiritual questions that have been bothering me lately but which I've been sweeping under the carpet. I know that being on step two after 6 months seems like very slow progress. But I’ve never been the type to do things by halves. I always do things slowly and thoroughly.

With regards to weight, I shot back up from 83kg to 86kg, but as I’ve gradually started to embrace the program again the weight has been dropping off again. As a result I am now 80.2kg! I am over the moon about that. I don’t even remember when I was last down that far. For years I’ve been dreaming of being 80…and now I’m there. But the fact I started to put back on should be a warning to me that it is only with the program that I can do this. I still need to lose an absolute minimum of 12kg, preferably 20kg just to be safe, so what with maintaining my loss so far and getting almost as far again it is going to be an uhphill Still 80.2kg!!!!

Once again, a big thankyou to Christine and Sober Chick for checking up on me. I'll try not to disappear again